im moving to another blog. this one is pretty much full (after 3 yrs it damn right shud be).

here's to new adventures, new curses, fowl words, memories and outbursts.

YOURTIMEISNOW.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 10:20 AM

nobody will prolly know what i mean but, the least you could do was to call me back.

nevermind.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 2:17 PM

i dunno what else to say.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 2:13 PM

i failed print journ. entirely my fault.

please dont ask me questions. i dont know how to answer them. i know what i did wrong but i cant put it in words. im gonna repeat it next semester. maybe i wouldnt graduate with you guys. seeing the results make me feel like quitting. i just wanna get over this as fast as possible.

ive never failed in masscomm. the worst was a D+. i cant seem to look eye to eye with my parents and that sucked. the last time i had an F on my results slip was when i was in greenridge and i failed maths at sec 2.

i want to say that i regret not paying attention but i dont. there's some contentment in me when i found out that i get to repeat it again. i get another shot at doing what i want- i gave that up when i entered year 3. 'selling out empty dreams'. (whatever that means, i just had to write it down, no relevance watsoever.) my emotion's all jumbled up but other than that, im fine. disappointed at myself yet again. what's new nad...

im not sure what im gonna do now.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 2:00 PM

on a more _______(pick one: gentle/nicer/positive) note, some girl complimented me on the mrt just now. she said to her friend that i was quite stylish of which her friend then looked at me, nodded his head and said, 'style'. i just smiled.

so im a stylish minor-looking girl.

how *makes a face* nice.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:09 AM

"dzool! you're dating a minor siak!" said the friend laughingly.

"ah ah. kau tak tahu ke? die kan baru 15," said he (sarcastically?)

"nolah. im not 15. im like, 19." said me incredulously. i was really trying hard not to roll my eyes.

she laughed. "wow. you're 19." pauses for quite a while. "really ah?" i nodded. they said goodbye and went on their way after that.

i felt like a loser. no offense, but do i look like a minor? (fyi, i am not in the mood to see nodding heads or hear agreeing words blah blah.)

how did she deduce me as a minor (when i didnt even open my mouth to say a full sentence)? why does everyone mistake me for a minor? is it the way i dress? is it the way i look? is it the way i act? is it the way i talk? is it my voice; is it too squeaky? is it my face; how my feature irritatingly resembles that of a baby? issit my cheeks? it's my cheeks isnt it? if i had a slim big-cheekless jawish face then i dont think i would look like a minor.

God. this thing is bugging the hell out of me. when i got on the mrt just now, i felt as if everyone was telling each other about my age. about how minor-ish i look. people would think im an anak abu who's trying to dress up older than her age. i felt like shouting "IM NINETEEN FOR GOD'S SAKE! YOU PEOPLE WANT TO LOOK AT MY IC?!"

what do i have to do to make people know that im nineteen? hang a sign on my body that says 'i turned nineteen on october this year. no, really.'

im just overeacting arent i? it just irritates the hell out of me (i think i made that clear). if i dont look like my age, i know (because of past years) that people wouldnt take me seriously. what i say, how i act, whether i show my emotions or not, people (even friends, will just dismiss it and laugh it off. but when they're mad oh wow, the whole world has to plead at their feet). it's fucking frustrating to not be heard and not be taken seriously.

for now i guess i have to try to like the child looking face i see in the mirror. the temptation to scrap my cheeks out of my face and to yell out 'look old, you effing minor' to the mirror is overwhelming.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:41 PM

i am not sure if i should put a tagboard. havent had a tagboard for 3 years.

hmm. so how? should i?

(yes, i do realise that you cant really respond to my question because i dont have a tagboard. heh.)


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 2:23 PM

i kinda miss the pantatz. realised that i forgot to load the pics of us going to jb.



i dunno what came over us to take crazy pics like this. i think we were bored waiting for my sushi.



backviews of me izzad n wan. i like this picture. i think we're walking in to malaysia (..truly asia).



didnt realize how big isa's palm is.



izzad the fake cadet. he looks like a girl from the back.



alah lah lah lah lah.



the ex-grs on the train. but then wan's not in the pic.



finally.

i cant help but laugh out loud everytime i see the pics. the jb trip was hilarious.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:36 PM

hari raya still hasnt sunk in yet.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:28 PM

i cannot stand it. i need to get out of the house.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 4:36 PM

here's another episode of..

The Camera That I Didnt Return: At jon's place.



this is the birthday boy, armed with his skewer (for bbqing, what were you thinking?), trusty singlet and a sheepish smile.



this is amelia, the birthday boy's friend in all her cacatness (no really, that's how she is).



this is amelia again. notice how she likes to be in pictures with that same animated face (not that she can change it).



someone forgot to take her medicine. guess which one?



faz and her serial killer boyfriend.



snapshot of jacquin and her dazed boyfriend. last time i heard he was still reeling from the camera's flash.



taking a pic of a pic of a pic of a pic of a... oh, you get the point.



alicia charlene perrine andrea and chia (whose face is blocked).



chia sleeping and andrea awake. ok, im kidding. he just closed his eyes at the wrong moment. not the photographer's fault.



now i know how a whoopee cushion feels.



i swear, my legs were a bit deformed after that.



dah squash, squash, sempat senyum.



alah si giler nie.



liy and riz.



liy, riz, and their premature child.



mixing white wine, chilli sauce, ketchup, coke, red wine and someothercrazyingredient for jon to drink.



if you see it up close and personal, you'll puke.



the sporting bday boy. yuck (to the drink, not to you jon)..



jon turned very red. perrine was just redfaced. thus an appropriate name for them was in order: meet the lobster siblings.



fork you. hahaha.



karol, me and amelia's finger.



karol me amelia and jon after the entire thing was over.



my 3 spastic friends.



erin n me after all that torture she put me thru.



shark, si yahyah papaya.



erin went scubadiving straight after that at the nearby swimming pool.

and that's all for the camera that i didnt return. stay tuned next week to find out if the camera is going to be returned. (cue credits, go credits).

ok, im just talking crap now..


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 3:18 PM

dont get me wrong. me anticipating is not your fault. sheesh.

im anticipating even though i know what you're doing, and that you're busy. i just anticipate even though i know where you are. it's scary.

im not an anticipator. i dont anticipate in relationships. im just not that kind of person anymore, i guess. yesterday i anticipated for your call. amidst the laughs, the bbqed chicken, the picture taking and the irritating screams of some underaged sec sch kids beside us, i checked my phone a gazillion times. it's freaking me out.

the fact that i anticipated could only mean that im getting deeper into this. and deeper means i cant possibly get out. see, it's scary. naturally when things like these invade my brain, i get angry. i was more angry at myself than anything else. the rest was just noise and excuses. getting pissed at you was uncalled for. sorry.

you dont have to apologise lah dodohead. it wasnt ur fault.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:49 PM

i have too many wants but too little money.

please wipe out thoughts of buying it for me.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:57 AM

you idiot. you slept on the phone again.

im beginning to get tired of hearing just your breath on the phone while i go yelling hellos to the receiver. if you want to sleep just tell me. im not a sleep nazi.

goodnight.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:09 PM

i am totally in love with the oblongs. i think milo is adorable and creepy susie is quirky. i like helga for her burliness and the debbies (a bunch of 5 girls wearing, acting, walking, talking the same) for being so freaking typical.

stereotypes were in abundance right down to the kids acting all hip hop ish with slick hair, tight black tees and gold bling blings. yvette, a fellow debbie but totally different, was cool. i cant help thinking about a phrase i saw on the blackboard of a class filled with attention deficit disorder kids in a special school. something about 'all you need to do is conform'. heh.

the chain smoking cat is cute; it even coughed its lungs out.

'hey can someone give me a rope, i need to climb up skank mountain,' said a midget-wearing-a-football helmet pointing at mrs oblong. she took out her wig early in the morning revealing her bald head. her husband looked at her lovingly and said, 'isn't she cute?' haha.

i really really love it. never before have i love a cartoon so deeply.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 10:29 PM

'i think i'll remain for a while and poke my first love's remains with a stick,' said milo.

'it will make one heck of a fertiliser,' agreed mr oblong.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 9:43 PM

i have a lot of things swimming in my mind (lets just assume that my mind is filled with sugar water. that will explain the lack of good ideas and my extreme cravings for anything sweet).

bush won the elections. it makes me shudder and cringe about what he's gonna do next. i dont have a liking for him. after i watched michael moore's extremely draggy and thought provoking farenheit 9/11, im beginning to loathe bush. amazes me how he can wake up everyday and go about doing what he do (as pointed out in farenheit 9/11; absolutely nothing) knowing that through his actions he has killed (and is still killing) thousands and thousands of people. innocent people. the election comes around, he drops everything and he totally forgets about the war, hidden nuclear weapons, osama bin laden and what he intends to achieve through the effing war.

watching john kerry giving his "it's okay, im still gonna keep fighting" speech is somewhat saddening. it should be since he lost. i myself am not sure if i want him to win. do i have any other choice? after looking at him, i realised his face is funnily long dont you think?

watched white chicks yesterday though i know many of you watched it a loong time back. white chicks got me thinking (for such a thoughtless bimbotic movie it surprises me too). in there, the two bimbos mentioned something about the rich always being number one and can do anything they want. "that's just how things go." That is sad. cant help wondering how true that is. im too tired to talk about money since im suffering from something the rich people call "nennynennypoopooimrichyou'renot" syndrome.

i miss girls' night out. i guess im in desperate need of it. but going out would mean spending money and my mom working alone. if im paid to do housework, i'll be rich.

The Oblongs premieres tonight on central at 930pm. theyre from Angus Oblong's book creppy suisie blah blah blah. im excited. finally a far-from-perfect to downright weird-edging-on-morbid family (besides the simpsons). read the review of the show on the new paper two days ago. besides the blown up words and extensive amount of information, basically they said one thing: the show sucked. im gonna watch it anyway.

im hooked on the sounds of tabla (what's new). there's just something about the dak dak de dak de dak dak (okay im bad at this sound thingy). you're right, my indian roots are showing.

oh, one more thing (as jackie chan's uncle will say in jackie chan's adventures on kids central at 12pm, something that most of you wont know coz you're matur-.. erm, i'l shut up now) there must be something about them jack purcell shoes. i keep getting stares. i think i forgot how to wear shoes.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 5:53 PM

" the money go down the drraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnn..."


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 5:45 PM

hari raya songs are playing on the radio. the fact that hari raya's next week havent really sunk in yet despite my kimono style kebaya hung on my room door and the kuih-making. i havent bought anything new for hari raya.

celebrations this year are not like every other year.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 5:27 PM

my fingers are oily, my greenridge pe shirt that im wearing smells of baking powder and baked cookies, i bought 2 plain shirts at the market and im sitting like a nyonya kalah judi. this unofficial-potential-housewife-in-training thingy is kinda fun.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 3:20 PM

it was nice hearing your voice mushliagurl. your template is cool. see, you are capable of doing something great so dont ever say you're gd for nothing. i want to go out with you one day and relive the dynamic duo days. haha. we should do that more often-talk on the phone. im always a number away. take care. love you. oh, enjoy your hols.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:04 AM

Turn her over,a candle is lit. I see through her. Blow it out and save all her ashes for me. Curse me, sold her the poison that runs it's course through her. Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over, all over.

Watch me fault her, you're living like a disaster. She said, kill me faster with strawberry gashes all over. Called her over and asked her if she was improving. She said "feels fine". it's wonderful wonderful here.

Hex me, told her; I dreamt of a devil that knew her. Pale white skin, with strawberry gashes all over, all over. Watch me fault her, you're living like a disaster. She said, kill me faster with strawberry gashes all over.

I lay quiet waiting for her voice to say, "Some things you lose and some things you just give away".

Scold me, failed her. If only I'd held on tighter to her. Pale white skin that twisted and withered away from me, away from me. Watch me, lose her. It's almost like losing myself. Give her my soul and let them take somebody else. get away from me.

Watch me, fault her. You're living like a disaster. She said kill me faster with strawberry gashes all over, all over me.

-strawberry gashes, jack off jill.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:49 PM

i really like watching local bands show their stuff on stage especially if they play my kind of music. it's interesting, lyrical and entertaining. of course, the dancing uncle in the middle of the waterfront theatre at esplanade is an additional treat. talk about life beginning at 60, he was totally living it up. he did a 360 degrees turn with his butt even jennifer lopez will lose out.

i like band names especially the weird kooky ones. there was a band that played just now (but we missed it) with the name 'Eugene's moment of truth'. that word rounded the corners of my mind several times (prolly cause my mind is already small as it is).

other band names i like are the rocket summer, death by stereo, the deadly romantic. they're just so nice to say. heh.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:43 PM

i think when i grow old, im gonna be an indenial old woman with saggy cheeks who thinks she's seventeen and loiters the void decks wearing plenty of makeup, sitting around in the field and eating grass. after lunch hour is over, i'll chase the little kids around, taunting them with shouts of 'i want to eat you alive'. when they report to their moms, im gonna act like the docile grandma and be sane. most possible location will be in bedok. no particular reason. maybe me and melia can start a club.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:39 PM

i made up my mind. im going to do what i've always wanted to do: get vintage stuffs and keep them. constant visits to clarke quay flea market inspired me a long time back but the lack of money stopped me. im giving in to temptations.

i'll start small.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:35 PM

i have an idiotic-spastic-vertically-enhanced but sweet boyfriend (yes people, i finally admit it).

despite the many nasty adjectives i use on him he's still sweet. he, that slimeball, tricked me into going lavender (army market) because he wanted to buy a bag. so i, the naive-airheaded-blurcock of a girlfriend thought nothing of it and we went our way. till he said on the mrt that there was a surprise for me at lavender. words like that can get a kaypoh girl like me into a thinking frenzy. reached there, thought nothing of it (actually i forgot abourrit).

came to a shop selling mostly converse shoes. he picked up a medium blue canvas jack purcell (the one that i have but is so worn out it can be used to skate)and said he wanted to buy it. i protested and said i mine, i dont want to be matching. but then when the sales asst got the size, tt tall thin bugger told me to try it on. like what the hell? then he admitted it was for me.

a series of punches, pinches, pushes and verbal abuse followed (so im an evil girlfriend, get over it).

i tried it on. and now it's mine.

thank you, i really like it. i still want to know what's surprise no. 4.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:12 PM

pink and orange all over.







my newly painted room.



the other side of the wall. few more touch ups and it's complete.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 2:27 PM

so i say still away sleep close my eyes; an image of your face traced in white sand. underneath, undefined. i lay down arms outstretched. i embrace the fall. and all the time i tried to let you know discomfort comes clearly. sometimes you see right through me. words. you're married to your pain. although you hit me hard, i come back. the earth's cries ease the pain. on the inside, run behind. which one will i face?. thin comfort in what i say. my back is turned a halo. my soul for a while and all the time i tried to let you know discomfort comes clearly.

song about an angel
sunny day real estate


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 5:24 PM

just so you know, my mom is sewing baju kurung for $30.

just holler or call me anytime.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 4:44 PM

I'm quite excited. deepavali's coming. Hari Raya too but ive never really celebrated both at once. i have a sudden craving for indian sweets.

im heading down to Lim's Arts & Living in a while with djools. they're having a sale till 30th Oct. and i plan to go Little India next week. if i have the time that is.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 4:03 PM

i like the rain but im absolutely terrified of them lightning and thunder.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 3:46 PM

im not sure if it's me but young, posh and loaded on starwold annoys me.

"i shop, i sleep, i walk... oh! i eat," the rich bitch said when asked what she does all day. i sound jealous, i know.

it somehows disturbs me that people like that exists. the show, in all, is very disturbing. im beginning to wonder whether there's an intention or purpose (as mr. campbell never fails to remind us) to the show.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 3:38 PM

i'm hooked on sunny day real estate and straylight run right now. their songs are on repeat in my comp. adds to the gloomy atmosphere.

it's been raining and i cant help feeling elated. there's nothing like rain and skippy's peanut butter and choc to cheer me up and get me on the go. fine, i admit, i havent been fasting due to my period. not fasting sucks and im really looking forward to the end of my 35cm-pad-wearing days.

my life's been pathetic. ive described myself as a potential housewife because that's how i feel. give me a 5 year old wailing bratty kid, a cookbook and a new set of cleaning materials and i'll be a naggy-jaded-inexperienced-confirmed housewife on the brink of killing herself. i cannot imagine doing this all my life and being confined to these four (so what if it's spacious?) walls. im beginning to realise the burden and amount of work my mom does. im also beginning to think that im an only child (minus the showering with gifts that a normal only child usually gets).

my room is almost complete. i feel like im the only one sleeping in there though there are two beds. again, i feel like the only only child. i wanna scream at them, i wanna smack swear and lock them up and not care about them. but knowing me and always thinking about others i dont. felt guilty spending 60$ on stuff for my room at Ikea yesterday. still, it was nice to get out of the house.

im a deprived teen. if only i have helpful siblings. or better still, a maid.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 2:29 PM

a plead to you.
nut

reaching out to you hoping you
would hear me out through
all that clutter and flashes
every move you dont make hope dashes
hearing your sound loving your own
seeking forever searching
hoping you would hear me out.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:36 PM

had fun swapping songs w/ amelia. here's for laughs- Engrish.com. hilarious. listening to the vines doing a cover of outkast's miss jackson is comforting, i have no freaking idea why. heh.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:27 PM

i'm pink and orange all over. it's not as if i dont care i guess im not good with them words. we're gonna satisfy our food cravings today- me kat dil. i havent been out of the house for four days and im so sick of being indoors. i cut my hair yesterday; it's so long it's irritating. $11 for just shortening it. it's gonna take 2 years to grow back to that length. im not losing any weight.

had a dream about a jailbird who wanted me to write a book about him. he offered me sushi and i couldnt resist. i wonder what relation (urgh reminds me of massinah) that dream has to my life. durga, as in the one in singapore, just emailed me and everyone she knows about pasar malams. she sounded so desperate i feel bad for not knowing whatever she wanted to know. i have to work. my parents cant afford our living anymore (not that we live lavishly). they just dont want to tell us. that amazes me because they're not really good actors. we're teens not kids. i think they havent got pass that "my children's all grown up" stage yet. realised howie's got a blog. i find him very unpredictable.

im gonna eat sushi tomorow, like in real life. banu ady n jane are going on a cruise next week. that's fun. i wish i can go somewhere and have fun. im sick of being the considerate child while my siblings laze around and do absolutely nothing. we're all breaking fast at my grandma's house on sunday. when i grow old, i dont want to be like them-the only 2 people in the house. and yet i know that i will. it's inevitable. i miss watching movies in school but i absolutely have no time. im trying hard to save my money to buy the things that i want for hari raya because i dont want to trouble my parents but i just realised that i cant stay home like this. standing by the window watching cars pass by wishing that something happens so i can run down and watch it. it beats staying in the house doing housework all day.

im having a headache. im wearing a primary five t-shirt and it's not even tight. been sleeping on the (small) sofa because my room's in quite a mess coz of the paints. im pink and orange all over and im quite happy with that. will borrow djools camera to take pics. tomorow will be another memorable day with the pantatz. glad that it's happening. it's been a week since we're fasting. 3 more weeks. i wish fasting month is longer. im addicted to reggae songs at the moment. dancing to it caused me to clumsily move my brush dipped in pink paint over the orange painted wall. not the effect i want. it's our room and yet im doing all the work. the pains of having selfish siblings. it is the month of forgiveness. i'll just keep my mouth shut. call me. gonna get back to spilling paint on myself. remember to bring book for dil. gonna get more stephen king books. i guess that will have to wait.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:15 AM

aiyak. i totally forgot. i hope i dont fail.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 2:10 PM

i know this is the season to be forgiving and loving (and fuckingwhatnot) but i really dont like my brader. i wish i can sell him off. dont think i dont mean that because i always mean what i write. it's like it's their fucking computer and im just another bloody user. i hate selfish people-i especially cannot effing stand it if they live under one roof as me. i hope he gets married soon, if possible tomorrow so i dont have to see his face anymore. but then again, what blindmutehandicapped girl will marry him? i've been painting and helping around the house all day and i just want to relax in front of the comp (since ive only used it for 15 mins everyday now) and you know what he does? sit for like 20 effing hours in front of the comp, downloading music and porn on our family computer. and he says he needs to do schoolwork. maybe his course is teaching a module called 'ways to jerk off to porn' ( i bet he'll ace that). that's prolly the only thing he learns in school. or maybe, maybe it's a module on 'how to be an unsucessful/ ungentlemanly/grotesque man'. or maybe, maybe it's a crash course on 'how to be an asshole everyday!'. if it is, i dont think he even need to learn that-he's a natural ass. wow! finally something he's very good at. may he get married soon and get a man-controling wife, get out of the house, have lots of sex and get many many many children. that way they can surf porn and jerk off together; like have some male bonding-literally. i have to log off now, to make way for my dear brader to surf porn aka "schoolwork". stoopidmoronicfuckwitbrainlessasshole.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:50 PM

i am having major food cravings; sometimes they pop out of nowhere.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:08 PM

"it's such a nice day out you wanna walk?"

"no i dont really like walking. it's soo... pedestrian."


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:05 PM

i know that the song my boo, by usher and alicia keys is a hot favourite right now (well, it seems to be with them people who like r&b) but that song is not in my fav list.

both my sis and my brader have been playing/singing/humming that song non-stop. it's like an itch at a place where your hands and fingers are too short to reach (welcome to my life).

i dont understand how that song is nice (no offense to anyone who likes it). if you were in my shoes and have heard the song in so many variations you can actually sing all of them, then i guess you'll hate it too.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 10:58 PM

i teared over the show 'jason texas' on hallmark. it's based on a true story of an innocent african-american hitchiker who got picked up by some white people.

the white people thought it would be fun to beat him up. but then they got greedy and tied him with a chain to a truck. they then dragged him all the way to town. but of course, even before they reached town, his shoulder was torn off, his head rolled away and his torso was completely gone. his pants shirts and underwear got scraped off so bad it tore to pieces. the 3 white kids then drove away leaving his body there.

it's so saddening to see all that; the pictures of him dead, his screams and wails, his unrecognisable body (i swear, it looks like a shaved cow on hooks at butcher shops), the way his mom cried when she found out. God. it's so riveting. then there's the black panthers and the klu klux klan. they anger me somewhat. like the fuck. why the hell do they need to be formed anyway? they're such sellout konon-superheroes.

i cannot believe how inhumane some people can be.

and today, i realised how savagely annoying the media and journalists are. i mean, for fuck's freak's sake, the family are in mourning. they're depressed, they're angry and the media just lavish in all that and turned the entire town and people into funny farm (or something mental like that). i got so peeved and jealous of the media there. Peeved because of all the microphones in my face (they had first-person shots), Jealous because whenever something remotely huge happens in singapore, the maximum number of microphones present (or if you're lucky, microphones that are in your face you're almost licking them) is 4. it's quite embarassing.

watching that show made me somewhat glad that nothing like that happens in Singapore. not that it wouldnt be interesting...


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 10:35 PM

gonna go buy paint for my room today. im so excited!

i cant decide what colours to buy exactly. i want my room to be pink and brown with little hints of orange. i want to have polka dots, stripes and flowers. okay kan? im gonna paint the living room a little red too. can't wait can't wait.

before i can do all that, i have to get through massinah exam (which is today) first. i feel so unprepared (but still excited!).


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:22 AM

i've decided to not put a song on my blog till i can find somewhere to upload my songs. maybe im gonna put a radiolog like faz. but then i'm not sure. im currently hooked to so many songs, i really cannot choose.

guess you just have to be contented with whatever's here.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 9:49 PM

i love the fasting month. *smiles*


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 9:45 PM

-christabel lamotte

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 9:43 PM

my mom, my sis and me are going on a cookie/kuih raya frenzy.

she quit her job (because singapore post has started selling lottery tickets and she's not comfy with tt) and so has decided to sell kuih rayas. my sis and i happen to be her coolies. it's fun making kuihs and cookies but it sucks because i happen to be an accidental klutz.

once, a long time back, i was just standing in the kitchen without touching anything (my mom gave me a cloth to hold in case i spilled anything), just standing there watching and the telephone rang so i turned to grab the phone. a cutlery holder got caught in the cloth and toppled over, hitting a cup of water which spilt onto a cup of flour which then fell to the floor. i forgot about the phone and hurriedly tried to wipe the mess when i hit my head at my mom's arm (she was standing above me then) causing her to spill a bowl of dough mixture all over. amidst all that i managed to get the cloth burnt, broke some eggs and made my mom trip because of the wet floor. heh.

this time, im only in charge of decorating the kuihs instead of making it. this is gonna be fun (and safe, i hope).


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 9:33 PM

horror of all horrors.

we had our first so called fight on thursday. dont ask me what it was about, i seriously cannot remember. ive never not talked for 2 hours. we went to suntec coz he wanted to go to the arcade. he walked straight ahead and i was left alone at the back. it wasnt a surprise that i got lost there (you got to admit; suntec's huge!). after his dose of initialD, we walked all the way to town without talking.

by the time we passed the art museum, i was too tired to even remember why we were fighting. was so looking forward to sitting down, talking things out and drinking caramel frappucino at starbucks far east. reached there at 8 only to find that starbucks far east has closed. the horror of all horrors! it was so fucking traumatising. i actually teared then called dil up to complain. haha.

anihows, we talked things out and things are ok. ate, laughed a lot. then met dil to go home together. such an eventful day.

and im just writing mundanities down.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 9:04 PM

bits and pieces.

changi beach. taking pictures. mrt rides. bus rides. long bus rides. sour cream crackers. honey jasmine green tea. root beer. enjoying the wind. b.u.m. slippers. tugboats. yachts. clouds and sun. digicam. stripped smart shirt. marlboro green. yishun. nine six nine. water on sand. coconut tree sketches. dragon lion dance. chinese ritual. turkey ham sandwich. sudden anger. huge confessions. sleepyheads. rainbow-striped shawl. pink skirt. keeping memories. loving. superheroes. airplanes. prison. freaky toilet. uncanny people. changi beach. us.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 8:06 PM

Bushmen is gorgeous. watched them play at esplanade yesterday and they got the audience to their feet (except me of course). was so tempted to get up and dance. what are temptations but to tempt us? heh.

i fell in love with the guy playing percussions (this botak malay guy who can really dance). he grooved to the beat while he hit the tabla-like-thingies. bongo maybe, i dont freaking know. either way, it sounds goooooooooood. he can sing too.

i really like yesterday.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 9:57 PM

Living in a robotic world.
nut.

Dolls, in all helplessness
uncontrollable, destructive selves.
and the world's too selfish to give in
too proud too admit.
a broken joint, a stuffed stomach
in all quirkiness, sad simple
epitome of man's desire
for perfection, love
finding a love only a lover would know
in all helplessness.
too weak to realise the perfectness
in imperfection.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:59 AM

here lies a bloggable moment.

met his parents. it was totally unplanned.

it was as awkward as an awkward moment should be.

i felt like meat about to be butchered and sold. i felt like grabbing a spade and burying my whole self into the earth and not coming back again. i felt so welcomed i could have cried.

they were so nice.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:55 AM

figments of a failing memory.

on my birthday.


outside school library, after waiting for dzool for 2-3 hours.



going down the steps (though i think taking pics at that point is absolutely unnecessary).



the CBD area. after much asking and pondering (they were tightlipped about where they're taking me), the bus stopped at the CBD area.



that's almost all of us sitting and waiting for keli (i think).



took this pic once we reached our destination. me and the guys. almost all of them are wearing blue.. so nice. dont ask me what keli is doing, i seriously dunno.



the girls in the pantatz. so sweet.



keli nak step handsome and cool (please or.. he's far from it). the sky's getting darker.



my birthday cakes.




after a rendition of happy bday and "Allah selamatkan kamu" the pantatz style, i cut the cakes.



the pantatz sitting in a row, facing the river, eating chocolatey cake.



my feet in all its cacatness.



trying to act cool. (wan isa ady)



isa amin wan and their horrendous poses.



them again.



and again.



and again (obviously they're not camera shy people).



izzad; armed with a guitar, a good voice, and his trusty poncot.



singing to the song. potential karaoke singers. haha.



me zareen faz :the soul sistas (lemme hear ya flo' sistas).







after the celebrations, we (minus isa and amin) went to eat at shah alam.



me fiddling w/ amelia's digicam and dzool taking useless pics.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:31 AM

it's the last day of school for this semester and it feels as if ive already given up a long time ago. the submission for choosing electives is on monday and im not sure what i want to do just yet. this time i wanna pick a module that i wont give up in. but its so hard to know.

i wish the end of year 3 will come quick.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:53 PM

How About Enough
a vacant affair

You said hi you wanted to talk about
The things that you should know
I never meant to run or hide
I just didn't think
it was time for you to know
I'm stuck at the crossroads
I'm waiting to choose
I'm hoping it won't lead back to you
The journey is over our time is up
Just give it up

So where do we go from here or end
We were never lovers just more than friends
Please take your shirts
Your smiles aren't working, no more

Before you go I just want you to know
I burned all the things you wrote
I never meant to let this pass
I just didn't think that
this happiness will last
Come take a look at these tired eyes
Believe me I cannot even cry
If I could I would
So tell me if I should

So where do we go from here or end
We were never lovers just more than friends
Please take your shirts
Your smiles aren't working, no more
This has to go this has to end
We were never lovers just more than friends
Please take your shirts
Your smiles aren't working, no more

You wouldn't mean a thing to me
You wouldn't mean a thing to me anymore

So where do we go from here or end
We were never lovers just more than friends
Please take your shirts
Your smiles aren't working, no more
This has to go this has to end
We were never lovers just more than friends
Please take your shirts
Your smiles aren't working, no more


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:51 AM

ive been meaning to say this but it keeps slipping my mind.

i was a bit angry at you rin. but was more fucking disappointed. shouldnt i be? you're my bestest friend. you're not there everyday, couldnt you have been there on that one day? but being slave driven people i guess work comes first.

i know you're sorry and im not rubbing it in, i swear. it was just something i wanted to say. its just very disappointing. i felt guilty because the rest have done so much, trying to make me feel happy and special (they succeeded btw) but then i couldnt be fully happy because you're not there. i feel bad.

yang sudah tu sudah as izzad would say. i'll just shut up now and try not to show my disappointment when we meet (of which when we do meet, we somehow act as if nothing happened).


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:12 AM

came across this in a comic strip.

"what if the hokey pokey really IS what it's all about?"


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 3:33 PM

we packed up our bags (and bubblewrap) and made our way out. it was then that it dawned on us that we're never gonna be in that meeting room (with 'the good side' and 'the bad side' sitting opposite each other). tanjong pagar will just be another mundane place (but it always has been) to us. another station on the mrt.

the presentation yesterday for ad creatives was quite okaylah. we were the slackest group (me n faz wore some sort like our normal clothes, liz wore halter and slippers). we were also the more interactive group (because we provided them with mockups and playthings [nothing sexual please]). we were the shortest group (presented in a short time) and (in my opinion) the most funnest group. susie (creative person from saatchi & saatchi [major ad company]) was there too. and she's so pretty and cute. we were looking at her flat abs all the way. heh.

anyhows, we had fun presenting and bitching after that. it's sad to leave everything like that. we grew quite close (the two grps from 'the gd side') and we were so accustomed to tanjong pagar, its people and the food. no more night shopping at chinatown, no more bringing food (lots of it) into class, no more shopping at watsons, no more being called the 'conjoined twins' and the 'food suppliers' (according to david, the 1st people he will go to in a famine). heh. ad creatives was so much fun but it wasnt really the lessons that made it fun. it was the people around you, being out of school, freedom of moving around and being treated like adults (i dont get that often).

the first lesson of ad creatives had us looking like lost kids (or at least i felt so small being in a big company). now that we step out of that company for the last time (no more late tuesdays), i guess it's safe to say that somehow i will miss that place and everything that was in it (rite down to the big hard chairs).

goodbye the good side. goodbye secret seven. i guess the mystery of the knocks will never be solved now. hah.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 2:10 PM

it feels as if we've been together for a long time when it's just been a month. i think we have got to be the two most weirdest couple around.

bodoh pergi, bodoh balik. i still think you're the bodohest between the two of us. how romantic. hehe.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 2:05 PM

hahaha. i cant stop smiling.

faz and zareen came while i was updating just now and they suddenly said, "nad, close your eyes." i was like "what? what? for what?"

"just close your eyes lah!"

so i closed my eyes (zareen covered my eyes with paper just in case) and then after a while, they asked me to open them. and guess what??

there was a black plastic bag and inside the plastic bag is the polka dot shoe from ebase! hahahah! i teared a bit due to extensive laughing. haha. so sweet of them. the shoe's from liz, zareen, faz n shark. thanks guys.

haha. i really really truly hope we'll stay in touch because i'll miss you guys too much.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:54 PM

celebrated my birthday with my boos yesterday, after ad creatives class. it was great seeing them and syiqa. had a lot of fun laughing and teasing each other. they gave me my presents. i got a new purse! topshop ring, topshop bangles, topshop underwear, bodyshop soaps, two makeup bag, and a cupful of sweets (one shaped like a sushi!) haha. thanks a lot boos. really love the presents.

finally, after 3 years, i can finally say that i have topshop accessories. heh.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:47 PM

the day full of surprises pt III: pink slippers

met my cousins (on my mom's side) on sunday for someone's (not that important) wedding. was being our usual self and sitting down in a corner not doing any work when kak shera, my sis, and izzah came up to me, gave me a plastic bag and shouted "Happy Birthday".

inside the plastic bag is a pair of pink roxy slippers, the one that i wanted to buy. the exact same one. hahahhaa. laughed my ass off. it was so touching. i really didnt expect that one. heh.

thanks a lot guys. really love the slippers.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:19 PM

the day full of surprises pt II: scooping cake

i had a miniature celebration after meeting my frens. my aunt surprised me with a blackforest ice cream cake from Swensens. but because i reached late and they waited for me too long, the ice cream melted. so instead of cutting the cake, we (or i) scooped out the cake and placed it in a bowl. it tasted good though. was eating it in front of my mom and two aunts. my mom was arranging fresh white roses.

me: kakak tak pernah dapat rose sey..

(the 3 women turned to look at me and laughed.)

mom: abih die kasi ape?

me: tu slipper tu..

mom: slipper je? kasi lah bunge ke.. cincin ke.. bracelet ke.. ni tak. sliper jugak die kasi..

me: (almost glaring at my mom) but i like slippers better compared to everything else.

mom: (she took 3 roses and passed it to me) nah. mak kasi rose nie.. biler mak jumpe die mak nak marah die.. asal tak kasi anak aku bunge? (she smiled. my 2 aunts laughed.)

me: aiyak. suke suke nak marah...

mom: kau suke jelah slipper. (i just grinned)

my fav aunt: nadiah dah ader boyfren... the last person sey i would think to have one.. but good. just dont do anything stoopid. (she then patted and kissed me)

the conversation hangs there till now. i think with almost all my girl cousins having kids b4 marriage and getting married even b4 20, everyone shudders and gets scared when someone else gets attached. it's like, once i announce that im attached, immediately my name turns blinking red and flashes like some billboard on Las Vegas. im kept on watch 24/7 in case i suddenly announce that im pregnant or some stoopid shit like that.

i feel like a reformed person on probation..


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:04 PM

i linked you up azhar.

didnt know you had a blog. haha. i know, i know; could be because i dont have a tagboard. it's refreshing reading your blog. i must say i miss all those times just talking crap (and about crap) in class, NACLI, student councillor meetings and in malay class, where we'll always bitch about cikgu macrob and his dripping saliva.

it's nice seeing someone i know almost reaching his dream and what he always wanted to be. i remmbered in sec 1 how we would always tease u whenever someone gets a cut or gets injured. haha. im glad you're doing what you're doing now coz it shows that dreams are reachable.

plus, it gives me some hope for my dream (which is depleteing by the way).

i hope you enjoyed your bday azhar. no more exchanging of presents for us, since we dont meet each other.. take care.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 9:19 AM

i have a lot more to update on but i have a wedding to catch.

till i get back home, enjoy whatever's here.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:47 AM

the day full of surprises.

it was a normal day to me yesterday. woke up, had a whole lot of birthday wishes from a whole lot of wonderful people and i guess i was getting happier. ain (grss) actually smsed to wish me. so did rozeryna and azhar. hehe. so nice hearing from them. went to school with djools early in the morning. it was funny though; the night before we were both talking on the phone and the both of us fell asleep. i didnt even realise it. haha. Oh. erin called, saying that she wouldnt be able to meet me due to her projects. fine.

went straight to school and had my ad creatives meeting. (liz wrote 'happy bday' on the tissue we were using as coasters. i tawt that was sweet..) by 1pm, we finished the meeting (after talking about everything else [gays, ghosts and nude modelling] except work. heh.) anyhows, everyone went off but i had to wait for djools till 4pm. so there i was sitting at the comp doing nothing (actually i was doing the abstract for the massine paper lah). i didnt had anything to do for an hour. was bored, pissed (because none of the pantatz called to meet up and erin's really not meeting me) and restless.

went to the top of atrium just sitting there, wishing it would rain (and it did! hehe). i just walked around feeling very crappy and saddened. was going to the toilet (to put on powder, what else?) when djools finished class. met up with him and after all that, he says he needed to use the computer (which was a lie btw to get me away from atrium). was very very restless.

surprise number 1: the pantatz were at the atrium waiting for me. almost all of them were wearing blue (hehe) and they smiled at me. and i got pissed. then they said that we have to go so we took 75. i dunno where we were going. was sitting there on the bus feeling very peeved when i remembered that i told djools that i want the pantatz to meet up. and i got what i wanted. after that thought, i felt better and felt really... loved? haha.

dropped down at the CBD area and walked all the way to 'the ugly bird' statue as dil call it. surprise number 2: faz n shark. faz called saying that she cant meet me and she's going out with shark. i didnt know how to react when she told me that and i just smiled. heh. but they were there.

after a lot of photo taking and laughing, i cut the cake. with a blue knife! haha. they gave me a BIG card that has music in it. there's even guitar strings for me to play. haha! was so excited, i couldnt help laughing. djools gave me his present (green project shop slippers). and we ate the cake. sitting at the steps laughing and talking. and of course, more picture taking. after eating, izzad took out his guitar and started singing. i really loved that: all of us sitting together on the steps, listening to each other talk and sing.

surprise number 3: dil came. i was so surprised, i actually cried. i knew how hard it was for the 2 of them and yet they did it. im touched.

zareen came later too, which was great. managed to take a pic of the soul sistas (aka me faz zareen). didnt take a pic with banz though.

surprise number 4: still on the way.

it was a great day though. i think my bday was well spent. meeting and chilling with the pantatz and my best buds was enough. thanks guys. banu keli izzad djools faz shark isa zareen wan amin lyn ady dil baq.

love you guys.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:10 AM

nineteen doesnt feel any different from eighteen. i still look the same, dress the same, act the same.

i feel a little bit older and right now im not sure how i must be. i dunno how today's gonna turn out either. not sure if im meeting, banu erin or my friends, and im definitely not meeting my boos.

well, we'll just see where our feet bring us. heh.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 8:44 AM

Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to Nadiah Bte Mohd Yusoff
Happy Birthday to me!

i'm shameless, i know.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 8:42 AM

Hold Your Breath
denali.

What's your reason to kill or not?
This has come a long way,
Too fake for the season,
is it real or not?
Totally in this i would stay

Too many sensations now for a good feeling,
I'll take a step back.

Let's go under and hold our breath.
Who's got the reasons now?
In one little mouth it goes,
Never will surface

Too many sensations now for a good feeling,
I'll take a step back.
To many sensations now for if to be so real


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:49 AM

remember me writing about my eldest cousin's wedding? kak shera finally uploaded the pics. this is specially for amelia who have always wanted to experience a void deck wedding.

nikah ceremony

at kak shera's house, preparing the stuff for the wedding. that's her cat, kopi and our niece, puteri erika qistina. she looks so angry tt the cat's taking her biscuit. haha.


the sorta, poutpouri, self-made nice smelling thingies to be given out to the gerl's side.


kak shera putting inai (henna) on her brother.


my aunt helping him get ready.


the tok kadi, at the girl's place. we've been using the same tok kadi since forever.


overall view.


tension.


anticipating.


the vows made.


signing the papers.


happiness.


the bride.


putting the ring in.


salaming my grandmother.


awwwwwwwwww.


they're finally married!


renjis renjis di pilis..


the girl cousins and an aunt (green tudung).


the exchanging of gifts.


the ride home on the bus..

sunday: the wedding ceremony


the groom taking a breather early in the morning.


my cousins and friends washing the dishes.


overall picture from the dias. it's my mom's decor by the way, partly designed by me. heh.


the buffet.


puteri eating. she seems to love doing that.


stress.. the costume is very very hot.


going to fetch the girl.


i love the sounds of the kompang.


at the girl's side.


being treated like royalty.


upon returning, we took the opportunity to take pictures. here's all my cousins and me. i think we might have missed a few out.


my entire family, though it's a bit blur. some of my uncles and me are not in this pic though.


she's so cute.

so there you have it. hope you enjoyed that one, melia. heh.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 7:49 AM

it's 7:45 am.

im about to finish up on script for Act Direct. im eating Oreo's and my mouth's itching for coffee (and since my parents are not avid lovers of coffee, i'll have to settle with plain water). im prolly meeting katdil today to celebrate my birthday. we're filming later. keli said sorry at half hour to 1am. i'm in my fav shirt.

it's raining! hahahaha.

this is fun.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 7:42 AM

fuck you, you horrendous asshole of a guy.

i havent met you in a long time and i thought having a decent conversation with you would be great. i didnt know that getting droplets of water on your face could kill you (because that was how u fucking reacted). like what the hell. i dunno what's wrong with you.

there i was, laughing and joking with isa, and isa wanted to push me into the rain (which is not a bad thing btw). you didnt have to step up to me and say to isa 'kau buat gini bodoh'. you didnt have to pull the top of my tudung and push it down. but obviously, being the fucking fuckwit, the insensitive jackass that you are, you did just that. if i wasnt wearing a skirt, i would have kicked your effing balls (if you have any in the first freaking place).

i think i told you people before. never touch my tudung. i fucking mean it.

you just walked away like that, laughing. i said chibai. you said 'kau cakap chibai nad?!' well, to you i would. any freaking day.

kau fikir ape, tudung tu macam rambut eh? do u think it's someone's face, that you can touch and push around? boleh suke2 pegang, boleh suke2 tarik, boleh suke2 rosakkan tudung? if you have no effing respect for me, at least respect that im wearing a tudung. it's a tudung for God's sake (like literally & unliterally). it's not a hat, not a cap, not a beanie and definitely not something for you to disrespect. assholic jerk.

you didnt even say sorry. but what do you expect from an effing dickhead, right?


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 5:25 PM

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:25 AM

had a field trip (the mass comm way; i.e: no chartered bus [lame!], no goodie bags, no schedule to follow) to DowJones and CNBC just now. it was so freaking cool.

me laura and shai were the 1st 3 to arrive at Tanjong pagar so we had breakfast together. jon joined us later. met everyone 20 mins later and made our way to international plaza. dowjones was on the 32nd storey. heh. we didnt really do much except to listen to real life accounts of the reporters and editors. but the newsroom was so cramped and quiet, i felt like i was in a typical office.

i like how CNBC's office looked though. messy, colourful and so lived in. you should see the makeup room there. we were openly gawking the mirrors lined with lightbulbs. everyone looks so casual and fun. it was amazing how calm the producers/directors are (when their show starts in 1 mins time and it's live).

anyhows, didnt really have much to do after that. me and jon picked up some books. in the end, jon me priya shai geraldine jermaine sat at starbucks (still at tanjong pagar) at chilled there. everyone read at 1st but then we started talking about homosexuals. it was very erm... interesting. heh. it was such a weird bunch (because we've never really hung out in school) but i had fun.

was looking forward to the exchanging of ideas and coming up with a good presentation in ad creatives but of course, that didnt happen. but what's new. heh.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:13 AM

i know ive been unreasonably whiny, cranky and selfish nowsadays. it's not the PMS (though having my period in itself is effing irritating). i dunno what it is but i feel agitated half the time. it's bugging me- school, work, my weight, missing my friends, anniversaries, birthdays.

this happens every year. and this year, you just happen to be in my anger path, someone to vent it all on. im sorry.

i guess we'll just have to wait until this passes.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:54 PM

Having big group meetings (read: 15 people) is such a pain. everybody has conflicting ideas; some people want to be the dictator, others just want to screw each other's ideas and after 2 hours of heavy bantering, we didnt arrive at any conclusion. the ad campaign wasn't forming.

it's great to see so many good ideas on the board but it's a pain to merge them and make them concrete. plus we didnt have any higher person (for example, a creative director) to tell us what's right and wrong.

in the end, we decided to split the presentation and just stick to our groups. we could have saved plenty of time.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:48 PM

im not gonna meet my boos on friday (well, maybe dil only [not that im not happy to see her]). im not sure if im gonna meet my best buds this friday too.

heh.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:41 PM

it was a full moon out tonight and i couldnt stop staring. it's so eye catching and gorgeous, i practically stopped in my tracks and just gawked.

sat at starbucks far east on sunday evening just chilling and drawing with djoolie. i didnt realise how much i missed that place till i sat on the cushioned seat (yang banyak berjasa pada kaki dan pantat kami yang penat). i havent heard from my boos in a long time, i really hope they're doing okay. an update is definitely in order (tak sabar2 dah beli baju raya eh dil.. haha..).

was thinking to myself how much a year has changed. soooooo many things constantly moving and changing. not that it's a bad thing. but what will happen to all of us in the next year? will it still be the same? i doubt so.

i dont want us (a general us) to drift away like planks of wood bobbing away from each other. im the last person to adapt to changes quickly and i need that closure i guess.

the world outside is a bloody scary place.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:26 AM

[NOTE: skip this entry if you're a sanitary-pad-phobia guy]

just when i thought that they couldnt get any longer (i used to wear 33cm ones). there's actually a pad that's 35cm. like wow. for total protection, they say. the pads saved me. so i have to be thankful (though it's quite large to carry around).

i dont gerrit why guys can get freaked out over that (well, one guy anyway). now i know what to get you for your bday as a bday card. haha.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:23 AM

i feel a certain kind of tingling in my bones, head and toes.

could it be possible that im finally growing?


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:21 AM

it's freaky talking about life after mass comm just now. was with liz and faz, trying to keep ourselves awake (w/ much difficulty) at the library while having our ad creatives meeting.

questions of what we're gonna do and how we're gonna cope came up. it's scary how 3 years is going by quite fast. soon we're all gonna graduate from mass comm (hopefully) and say good riddance to ngee ann. as exciting and challenging as these 3 years have been, im really looking forward to the end of school.

what i would want to do then is clutch my dip, stand on top of block 53/ sports complex and scream. heh.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:15 AM

congrats to 2 of the most important people in my life! so excited for the two of you. you guys finally reached one year and (finally!) keluar same2. hehe.

im glad to see you happy and all laughing again. i dont ever want to see you depressed like you were. the both of you. remember how when you hurt one, you hurt both? it's true you know.

anyway, have fun because you sure deserved it. take care and stay happy.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:10 AM

people keep staring at us when we go out. people keep staring at us when we laugh and beat each other up to death. why is that?

i find it so weird to have all these unwanted attention from people that i dont know. it's even freakier if they laugh or smile at me. maybe we're just attracting too much attention. i dont have a stamp on my forehead saying that im attached do i? coz i feel as if everyone's mocking me or something.

maybe im just paranoid. haha.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:34 AM

im tired of sitting in front of the comp not knowing what to write. while walking back home, i kept staring at the (almost full) moon. it's so yellow today. weird.

my younger cousins are all growing up. they're all finding their own words to speak, finding new friends, new worlds to play in. it's so amazing how fast they grow up. from under your knee, to your shoulder. i think they're taking growth pills (something i wasnt introduced to when young). it's so wonderful to see them grow. so nice to hear them talking. take ayu (my youngest cousin) for example. she's 2, has v v curly hair w/ straight anak rambuts, and a very boisterous walk. she has a vocab of only 4 words. Titi (she calls her bantal busuk that), mamin (amen, or her brader muhaimin, we dunno), eeeee (when she's disgusted/cold) and babi (for babies, or she could be swearing, i dunno). just last year we were holding her hand and seeing her taking her 1st steps.

why am i suddenly talking about age?

i told djools just now tt by the end of this wk im gonna be a year older. that's some scary shit, eh? i still feel (and i sure act) damn young. im a 6 year old trapped in an 19 year old's (ok fine, i look physically 14) body. next year im gonna be 20. no more a teen. i dunno how to face 20 (no, i dont have the answer for tt either).

im gonna be 19 and im still going nowhere. my life plan's screwed up. aiyak.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:58 PM

my dad's gonna scrap the van. he said that it was no point keeping something that's gonna breakdown any moment. plus, it ran out of lives anyhows. he's gonna scrap the van tomorrow.

that means no more depending on my dad to send me to school if im late; no spreading of my arms whenever a gd song plays on the radio; no more closing my eyes to the wind; no more sitting at my fav spot and contemplating on life and its weirdness; no more closeness (when you're sitting knee to knee with your cousins and you're packed like sardines, you cant help but join in the [noise] fun and feel close [like literally]).

i really am gonna miss the van (even though it's old, kontak, creaks when you get on no matter how light you are, messy and sounds like a motorboat). i still love it.

maybe he's gonna get a panel van. but even he's not sure.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:48 PM

i just watched a production on CTV called Canvas. and i must say, i truly liked it. it's so sad and quite touching actually. i nearly teared.

but of course, one downside watching tv in canteen one is that that place is so noisy i couldnt really hear the characters talking. there i was, the girl with the short neck, looking up at the tv, standing so close and straining her puny neck while hungry people carrying trays walked past and stared at her peculiarly. but what's new.

kudos to the people who did that (i think Justin Hong is the director and Jonathan Goh, the scriptwriter).


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 2:41 PM

Nothing To Make
nut.

thinking high flailing to the ground
arms wide open fingers spread out
and no one really thought what would happen
and no one really made a sound

maybe there was nothing to make.

standing tall swaying to the right
feet together mind completely apart
everyone just walks away
everyone just watches the fight

maybe there was nothing to watch.

head held high spirit's feeling down
black slippers make lousy noises
anyone can achieve it
anyone certainly can wear that crown

maybe nobody really wants to.

please tell me somebody knows how.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 2:19 PM

"kiter dah together tau," said the nervous-i-can-pee-in-my-pants daughter to her mother in the mrt on the way home. her kid sister laughs beside her.

"saper? korang dua?" the mother looked a bit taken aback and she gave a sidelong look to her eldest daughter. The daughter now nods her head and giggled cautiosly. 'a stupid, fake gesture', she thinks.

"Oh. tak suke, tak suke, last last get together jugak. ape je kau nie! pelik nah!"

the daughter lets out a silent sigh of relief while her pesky younger sister broke out into laughter. she then turns to her big sis. "kakak stress stress terus mak cakap gitu. klakar sey...!" she kept on laughing.

with the fact that her mom reacted not as she had expected, the girl smiles.

"so what does he do?"

"(ermmm...) schooling in ngee ann. same school."

"same course?"

"nolah. he's in the same course as banu."

(she turns her head to her grinning daughter) "kapal?!"

the smile fades a bit. "ah ah. die suke kapal. i think..."

"mak suroh cari orang kaya." she smiles, then laughs. "die kaya tak?"

"ah ah! die gi cruise sorang2!" interrupted the little sister.

"eh?!" said the incredulous mother. she watched as her now attached daughter shrugs her shoulders. then the mother laughs.

"kau ingatkan mak nak marah kan? ade matair bilang lah.. about time pun kau ade matair.."

'aiyak,' thinks the girl as she imagines her mother's head filled with thoughts of marriage the future.

The sound of the automated announcer broke the three peoples' conversation and they picked up their shopping bags and got out of the train. the mother smiled at her two daughters and walked ahead while the two sisters gave relieved grins and giggled together. Before they even tapped their Ezlink cards, the mother bombarded the daughter with questions of her new boyfriend. The daughter just grinned, took it in her stride and answered them as best as she could (with the younger sister constantly interrupting of course).

It was a great way to end the day.

[based on a true story]

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:44 PM

am down with the flu and head bug (read: literally head aches).

i bought 2 stephen king books though. Tommyknockers and The Talisman. but now that i think-abourrit, i dont think i have any time to read them. heh.

i still want to eat my sotong balls. hopefully i have time to do that tomoro. if i still have the energy to walk and the capacity to remmber what i want. my head is really really spinning.

i'll stop now.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:06 PM

the new BUM slippers i bought has no OOomph.

it sounds funny when the sole slaps the ground. i miss my topshop slippers. but then again i cant wear them too often. though i like my new slippers, they sound quite funny. not the usual 'slap slap' i hear. i miss the sounds. hmph.

i wanna buy another one. haha. looking at the rate im buying slippers, i think my life savings are gonna go kapoof soon.

i cant help it. they're just so "cheapute" (read: cheap n cute).

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 3:08 PM

am at the internet cafe rite now, waiting for 3 oclock to come. im gonna go out with my mom and am breaking the news to her at dinner. heh.

this is scary because:
a) ive never done this before.
b) i dont really know what to say or how to say it.
c) due to the option a) i dunno how my mom would react.
d) and due to c) i dunno how my dad would react.

but i promised her i'll tell her if i have one.. hmmm.

to hell with all this. i'm gonna jump right in. heh.

wish me luck.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 2:44 PM

Gig at Yishun Park (the one that nearly killed us all-literally).

Djools cooked for me jemput2 pisang on saturday (which made me feel abit incompetent in the kitchen since i cant do a thing without burning myself or my house first). met dil baq and zool at 3pm to go to Yishun Park where the gig was. it was supposed to start at 330pm. we walked quite a long way there and met quite a lot of rudeboys (or budak2 The Apprentice as Baq said). it was a freaking hot day and when we finally reached there, we didnt see anything. it was already 345pm.

met Isa and his band mates at a bridge (which is right above the potbellied-swimming-trunks-only-wearing-manjens infested swimming pool). so not only do we have to stand the heat in the heat, we had to look at them enjoying the cool swimming pool in the swimming pool. sheesh.

anyhows, heard from isa that the organisers are on their way (when it's freaking 4). sat at the amphitheatre like a bunch of idiots, waving a barely there postcard to keep ourselves cool. we were all sweating like pigs. Faz and shark joined us around 430pm and yet, the organisers were still not in sight. there were a lot of people by then and we were all getting restless (not to mention drowning in our own sweat).

around 5pm (or was it 6? either way it was after a very loooooooooooooooooong time), the organisers started unloading their stuff.



it seems as if they're crawling doing that. obvious lack of manpower. heh.



so there we all were. about (i think) 150 restless sweaty people baking in the hot sun looking at a disorganised bunch setting up the equipment. how entertaining.



this is how we entertained ourselves- by looking at kids having fun. and no we're not pedophiles! as shark said, this makes a good dettol advertisement. heh. Oh, the one in stripes is Isa's little brother (i forgot the name).



dil giving her speech while clutching a postcard cum fan. it was still hot and the sun was shining down on us. macam tengah bersajak sey dil. haha.



after some time they manage to complete setting up. it was already 6pm.



shark and his usual crazy antics. enough said.



i dunno what faz was doing but if you look at the sky, the sun's setting. and they havent start yet! at this point of time, zad-she-said-dun, announced to the audience that if the technical problem cant be rectified by 715pm, they're gonna cancel the show (after we waited for abt 4 hours).



i didnt want to take pictures (whats new). my cheeks look so fat here. dang it.

'

they're both not looking at each other nor are they looking at the camera. so weird.



this was taken after a lot of persuasion. haha.



and here's zool. the owner of the camera tt took these pics of which we buat macam barang sendiri and freely used it. thanks zool, though im sure ure pretty much used to it.



It's night by now. the moon's up and the first band is about to play. the power blew twice while the 2nd band was playing (of which maybe the organisers were hinting that they suck[?] v questionable). baq kept saying that the botak guys (bigger versions of toyols) did it. he could be right. oh well.

due to the fact that we dont know any of the bands except for Isa's band (Monroe) we just took pictures of them. haha. Samantha (faz's old flame yada yada), the 4th band that played was very good. i like their songs. the band before that was good too, though i didnt catch the band name. Monroe was the 5th band to play and after waiting for a looooong time, it's finally their turn. it was already 930pm.



(from L-R) tt's zad, the lead singer (crazy noisy dude who has a really nice voice), A'an or farhan (Isa's cousin), Isa (on drums, looking v tensed) and kit (whose drawings are always very nice). That's Monroe for you.



Zad's gone!!



never seen him look this serious before. cant remember what songs they played but i remembered tt they played 2 songs from Oasis.



'what's the story, morning glory?'



i like this picture. nice right?



That's A'an (i dunno what else to say abt him).



Kit and his guitar.



Isabella's head is gone!!!



i like this picture.



and that's isabella, the drummer of Monroe; a fellow pantat.

his band was quite good though. i dont know why they look so glum after that. i think they're the best looking band among all the others. haha. dont forget to tell us if you have any other gig coming up..

anyhows, the 7 of us made our way to the toilet (after sitting on full bladders). there was an arcade at the SAFRA and baq wanted to play a boxer game (my hunch was he wanted to live his childhood dream yang tak kesampaian). so we stayed and watched him. dil and me detest arcades (becoz dzol n baq will nvr leave tt place) and were quite relunctant at 1st but then all of us (minus zool who went home 1st) started rooting for baq and shouting everytime someone (or some computer animated weird looking blonde guy) punched him. pretty soon we all were shouting and getting excited. we left after one game because everyone was exhausted.

oh and kit, zad, you dont have to thank us lah. sheesh. macam kenal semalam gitu..


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 5:42 AM

Bring You Down
left front tire.

I feel frustration sometimes
when the words don't come out right.
Footprints in the Sand
reveals to me a past scene of my life.

Please stand by me
through the thick and thin,
though the trials of my life.
He's dealing with me now...
I turn around you're doing it again...
you're doing it again.

I'm not trying to bring you down.
I just want you to see
what is happening to me.
I'm not trying to bring you down.
Just understand that I was blind
but I am learning to see.

I've ran long enough
from what I know is right.
The sands of yesterday
are sliding through
the clutched fingers of life.

I'm not saying that the fun is gone,
or the times we had are in vain.
There's a break in the wilderness.
My narrow path is clearing again...
it's clearing once again.

I'm not trying to bring you down.
I just want you to see
what is happening to me.
I'm not trying to bring you down.
Just understand that I was blind
but I am learning to see.

I'm not trying to bring you down.
I just want you to see
what is happening to me.
I'm not trying to bring you down.
Just understand that I was blind
but I am learning to see.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 5:06 AM

"Heard it in ur voice ya... your happiness. See? Wen u open up n trust urselv more, happiness will come. =)" -yuanna deng2's sms to me.

i guess maybe ive changed abit. but it's all for the better so it's good.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 2:45 PM

i just wrote a sorta letter to her and then she called me yesterday, all the way from India. She sounded so happy. she called to say hi and to wish me a v v advanced happy birthday. she's still the same giggly person and we had quite a laugh (being the giggly people we all are).

It was soo nice to hear from her. she said she'll call again after her exams. she really wants that doctorate and i couldnt be prouder. aside from our bimboticness and our constant giggles, i think she know that we all still love her. she says she'll read my blog this sunday, when she can use the comp.

she soooo dont deserve this but i guess she's stronger that we all thought.

still, im glad she's doing okay. heh.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 2:41 PM

Look at what i found!




surreal (Gordon's band) will be performing by the way...


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 2:25 PM

baby is this love for real,
let me in your arms to feel
the beating of your heart baby
the beating of your heart baby.

-- beating heart baby, head automatica


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 8:13 PM

nothing much happend on wednesday. except for the fact that it rained. so of course, i played in the rain. haha. it was so inviting i couldnt help myself.

faz n me sat at the atrium that day to listen to zareen's radio broadcast (for our campus radio station Radio Heatwave). it was already raining quite heavily so i, got to the "tempat emo", spread out my arms and savoured the rain. heh. it's v relaxing. izzad joined me soon after. i think he needed that. i just wanted an excuse to dance in the rain.

met up with banu keli and izzad after that and we just talked. and laughed and read together. i really miss them. and yesterday was so sooooooo fun. we must must must do it again.

never leave my life coz i love u guys to bits.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 8:05 PM

Liz is right (never thought i'd say that). this week went by quite fast. funny how that always happen when you dont count the days (not sure if you guys get what i mean, heh). Friday's already on its way and soon, it'll be next week. wow.

Lets see.. Monday i went to yishun jetty with djoolie woolie kemoolie. it's been awhile since we (as in the pantatz) went there. not much changed though (except that the lamposts are completely useless and we cant see the stars anymore). it was fun going there and having our own little picnic (if you consider having waffles, green tea and egg tarts [all bought] a picnic). the sky was gorgeous. i really missed the jetty. got a little nostalgic thinking about the stoopid days (where we'll spend hours sitting at the jetty every Friday talking nonsense, playing cards, inventing stoopid songs and singing our heads off [cicak on the wall!!]. then after all of us calmed down, we lied down in a row and stared at the sky.) heh. went home quite late that monday though.

It was Dil's birthday on tuesday. was so excited. i bought 10 begedils (small traditional malay potato cakes) and mashed them up together to make one big begedil. Hahahaha. see, i told you you'll have a begedil bday cake rite? haha. never ate a begedil cake though. i must say, it was very... different. and a whole lot of fun too. glad she liked it. it was the 1st time that i ate that much begedil and liked it(coz i never like begedil). celebrated her birthday at Starbucks (what's new..) with kat syiqa and baq (who was sweating alot, i thought he had a problem with me; being the paranoid person that i am).

dil got a free drink courtesy of starbucks and the staff there called me a "regular". haha. i feel so honoured. now i can officially announce that im a regular at starbucks (ive always wanted to say that coz it looks so cool in the movies.. heh). gave dil her presents (a gorgeous strapped black n white polka dot dress with ribbon waistline, a black butterfly ring and a bday card). i fell in love with the dress the moment i saw it. she said she's gonna wear it this sat. haha. tak sabar nak tengok. i got really irritated that day because of kat and her selfishness but then again, she's always been selfish so i kept my mouth shut. didnt want to ruin my excitement. went back home happy and full. and i bet dil is too. heh.

one question: am i gonna get my sotong ball cake? *winks*


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 7:40 PM

Jammin' @ Yishun Park Venue: Yishun Park (behind Yishun SAFRA, bus no. 812 from Yishun Interchange)

Date: 18th September 2004

Time: 3.30pm onwards

Bands: Monroe, Fruitcake, Samanta, 18O, Bayu, Wfa, Popwhizee, Colour My Iris (Malaysia)

* organised by National Parks Board, Admission is FREE

(got this from pure-rock.net. it's so fun to say that i know the band Monroe! haha.)


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 7:19 PM

Dear durga (aka Hidunga!)

This is my 2nd time typing this letter (coz the stoopid Internet Explorer apparently had some problems and closed the browser without me publishing the letter first). anyhows. it was wonderful to hear from you (though the letter you just sent wasnt complete). and since you said you read my blog (yes, yes- ive gotten chubbier), i thought it would be apt to write this letter here (it's also to let you know tt u're never forgotten).

how have you been dickhead durga? missing you to bits, man...

im glad that you realise that he's not worth waiting. there are so many other people who cares for you but maybe he's not one of them. forget him and move on. may seem impossible but it can be done. and im so happy to hear that someone else is in your life now. someone to keep you happy when we're not around. heh.

i think it's true what he (as in that new fren) said. u shud stay there and complete your education. get a doctorate. God. that is so freaking cool. and v impressive. stick to that. dont be afraid and dont have thoughts of not making it. you've reached that far and gone thru so much. tt's very admirable. if you can do all that and survive it, im sure you can get thru school and living your life there.

i really dont like your parents. they shouldnt have the right to play with your life like that. they shouldnt control you and hinder you from what you want. but durga, with your parents's wishes and your new *wink wink* friend's advice aside, what is it that u want?

i thought you sat for a major exam there that's an equivalent to Olevels? what happened to tt?

you know something? as much as i want you to get your ass back in singapore, i want you to get as much qualifications (and maybe that doctorate) there. when you come back then maybe you can enrol yourself in a polytechnic or jc. but durg, dont worie abt that lah. just think of what you want and enjoy your life (though i know it's hard for you).

we'll still be here waiting so dont worry k. just give a holler once you come back.

take very good care of yourself durga. and stick with the guy you just met if he makes you happy (he seems very nice). write back or mail me k.

Miss you. Love you lots.

Nad.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 6:19 PM

Analyze Yourself.
Created by scentedwishes and taken 333 times on bzoink!
Personal Thought
Are you often harsh on yourself after a mistake?	yes.. but it always depend on what the mistake is..
Are you self concious?	haha. yup. usuallie m.
Do you worry a lot about your actions?	not reallie. i dont reallie care what ppl say abt what i do.
Do you let others make choices for you?	no. haha. but they usualie do coz im usuallie not heard.
Friendship
Do you think you are a good friend?	my frens shud answer tt qsn.
Do you think you are a bad influence?	haha. on who?? no, i dont think so.
Do you often put friends before yourself?	yesh. all the time.
Have you ever felt bad about leaving a friend out of something?	yes i have.
Relationships
Do you put your boyfriend/girlfriend before yourself?	yes, i guess.
When you say "I Love You" Do you mean it?	of course. it's a v expensive word.
Have you ever said it and not mean it?	Nope.
Would you say you have 'blind' love?	haha. dont think so.
Sexuality (Other)
Would you trust a fuck buddy?	i dont evan have a fuck buddy and no, im not thinking abt tt.
Would you use a friend for sex?	NO.
Would you even think about having a fuck buddy?	NO. i just said it u EEE-diot.
Why?	becos he's a fren and i treasure frens much more than tt.
Aspects of Personality
When it comes to friends, what do you dislike about yourself? Why?	that i tend to keep things to myself and not tell them coz i want them to be happy but it usually bites me back.
Do your friends think this is a bad quality?	haha. sometimes. they think i shud open up more. rite?
Do you think people take advantage of this aspect?	yesh.
Enemies
Do you let your enemies know you dislike them?	i dont reallie have any enemies and i think dislike is quite a strong word.
Do you mistreat these people?	no.
Have they done something to make you dislike them?	usuallie the people i dislike is the one who hurts my frens or something along tt lines.
Last One...
Would you comfort someone that chose another friend over you?	yes.
Create a Survey Search Surveys Go to bzoink!

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 4:22 PM

remind me not to continously volunteer myself at weddings.

it's very exhausting, especially if you cant even sit down and have to go back and forth sending and taking down things because everyone else is lazy to do so; especially if you havent had enough rest for the entire week; especially if you slept for only 2 hours the day before; especially if your mom is the one solely responsible for the decor and you're the only one helping. my body is still v. tired.

It was an emotional trip for me- the eldest cousin getting married. it was even sadder when he glanced at my grandmother (because she took care of him since young and he sleeps at her house almost everyday) during the akad nikah (ceremony where the wedding solemnisation and signing of wedding documents are done) and he cried just looking at her. my grandma then hugged him and kissed him and they both cried. couldnt help but tearing. everything went well after that. pictures were taken and hands were shaken. and they they eat. heh.

we all looked so dolled up the next day, where the fun (or torment depending on where you're looking at it from) begins. my aunts, uncles, cousins and siblings were running about helping out whenever we can. cleared plates, washed people's hands, washed the dishes, topped up dishes and took pictures (but that is a must). was wearing a kebaya and it was kinda hard to move in it (knowing how serabai i walk and all) but i managed. heh.

it was so sweet seeing all of us, with the matching cloth (my aunts wore a sequined cloth each in diff colours and my uncles matched their spouse while we, the cousins wore kain sari kebayas but in diff colours). we couldnt take a real family photo though, coz the pelamin (dias) cant fit all of us (2 grandparents, 9 uncles, 9 aunties, 21 grandchildren, 1 great grandchildren). it'll look so great if we could though.

anyhows, by 5pm me and 4 others were on our way to yew tee to take the decor out. by then we were beat. after about 3 hours, we headed back to bishan and grabbed some stuff to eat before heading home.

It was so fun (except for the fact that the tukang masak (cook) was so fuckedeffed up, the dishes were finished even before 4pm and we had to do everything ourselves). i wont really mind doing it all again (just maybe get a better tukang masak). heh.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 3:31 PM

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 9:14 AM

Happy 2 year anniversary to Baq and Dil! haha.

im so happy for you guys. the two of you have gone so far and for so long... korang sajak nak mampos.. haha.

anyways, enjoy today and take care of her, baq. coz i think dil deserves it.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 9:12 AM

here’s one thing that I don’t get. I met him on Sunday morning and by Sunday night, im already missing him.

I didn’t think it was possible to miss someone in such a short period of time.

Oh well *insert the “im damn happy” smiley here*…


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 3:41 AM

i really miss you banu.

and i really dunno what to do now.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:44 PM

Thinking of..
A - All i can think about now is you.
B - beating hearts baby (my current fav song)
C - currently watching Just Shoot Me.
D - dinur who just wrote me a testimonial.
E - erin & banu, i miss them.
F - funky fashion!, The Five.
G - garfield the movie is quite nice lah...
H - how now brown cow?
I - I feel so refreshed
J - jargonistic self
K - karma is v essential...
L - loving every single day.
M - making sure pimples wont pop out.
N - N is for not able to keep awake right now..
O - opening up, OAG, occasionally blur.
P - pantatz. i miss all of them.
Q - queen no more. heh.
R - red belt, red bag, red beads, red shoes, red carpet.
S - sway by bic runga.
T - Toilets! haha.
U - uniquely singapore?! sheesh.
V - violet. im in love with tt colour rite now.
W - "whalus", weird, weirdos, weird couple.
X - xtraordinary. no not me, the song.. sheesh.
Y - You.
Z - Zany. tt's wat we all are.



.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:37 PM

"i know how u feel" is redundant right now and im sorry if you feel left out. you said it's ok but then i still feel bad. im still getting used to this so we're two people adjusting to the same thing but in different situations. weird huh?

i saw you so happy today with him, before i approached you to talk to you. i still think u guys are great together. without each other, you're sad, but with each other, you guys are so happy. isnt that something? the two of you need each other but you dont see it i guess.

im not going to abandon u; dont think i ever have. it was just so overwhelming and all, and no, it's not natural.

you love each other so much, just stick together. then you wont be lost and you wont be sad (u noe what im talking abt). i really hate to see you two act like this. it's depressing.

take care you two. im always here if you need me (i think u should noe tt by now, so no need to thank me, sheesh!)...

i love the two of you and i hope that you guys get through this quick. coz i cant stand looking at you like tt. the 3 of you still owe me a dinner... haha.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 3:40 PM

never, i repeat, NEVER let your child pee in the train, even if it's in a plastic bag.

was on the mrt with dil yesterday and a chinese family boarded the train. they stood in front of us. there were about 5 kids 4 adults and one peadophilic uncle. he kept caressing and touching the kids in a slow manner, speaking to them in a soft voice and looking at them so vulgarly, it's freaky.

all was well in the train until one of the kids, a (most prolly) primary 2/3 boy missing his two front teeth who was quite tall said in chinese that he wants to pee. i expected the mom to chide him and tell him that they'll alight at the next stop but NOOOOOOOOOOOO!. she just had to take out the plastic bag from her bag, opened it up and asked her son to unzip so he can pee in there. which freaking means that this happens frequently and that she knows tt her son have done it and is still doing it.

n so he peed while some of their other family members covered him. when he's done, his mom just raised the 3/4 filled plastic bag (which was the clear one, the one u usually put live fishes in) to her face level and tied it. then she put that bag filled with dirty yellow pee and placed it in another red plastic bag. and she held it the entire journey.

i freaked out. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. E. E. E. E. E. it's so freaking DISGUSTING! Peeing is something u do in the toilet, NOT in an air-conditioned cabin on the mrt filled with people. NOT when there are no dustbins around to throw the pee-filled plastic bag. NOT in public. and definitely NOT in front of me. EEEEEEEEEE. i cannot have that. call me psychotic, i freaking dont care. PEE most certainly do NOT belong on the mrt. YUCK.

i cirnged, i clenched my fists, i gritted my teeth, i had goosebumps all around me. dil was the only thing that made me not get out of the train. i didnt want to abandon her. i really cannot stand it. disgusting.

moral of the story: educate ur kids NOT to pee anywhere they want to. there is such a thing as bladder control and discipline. the world's not a toilet that you can just waltz in and let ur kids pee wherever they want. and they call singapore a near developed country. Sheesh.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:44 PM

i feel so refreshed. so rejuvenated. and happy. heh.

it's weird how things worked out and everything's so different now, i feel like a kid on her first day in school (but you are a kid, as faz will say).

im still getting used to a lot of things. lots of adjusting to do. all good, dont worry.

i'm sorry though. i dont think im ready to use the "big words" yet. things like these still scare me but im trying.

still, im glad you're happy. =)

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:32 PM

i watched "The Atrium Pantatz Day Out: Hari Raya 2003" just now. wan brought his video cam along to capture everything (well, almost). i laughed so hard, my cheeks hurt. it was just so realistic and natural; the humour that each of us portrayed. we were so together, it felt so overwhelmingly nice.

i really miss the pantatz.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:07 PM

i didnt think it would be this kecoh.

Haha.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 9:21 AM

The Night The Lights Went Out In NYC
the ataris.

The lights are out in the city tonight
So close your eyes,
gaze up at the heavens
And see if you can point me out

If I could have one wish tonight
I'd wish upon a satellite
To bring me back to you
We spend our whole lives searching for
All the things we think we want
And never really knowing what we have

So many paths that we can take
To bring us to our destiny
Gaze up at the heavens
And see if you can point me out

If I could have one wish tonight
I'd wish upon a satellite
To bring me back to you
We spend our whole lives searching for
All the things we think we want
And never really knowing what we have

Be careful what you wish for
These stars are fading out.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 12:33 AM

Yuanna called me while i was talking to banu n erin on the phone. i was supposed to call her a few days ago but it completely slipped my mind. anyway, i was talking to her and she was giving me details about her module. at the end of the conversation she asked me if i was okay. and i said yes, i am ok.

then she said that she had a dream about me and in that dream, i looked sickly and pale. i laughed it off and we said our goodbyes and hung up.

then she smsed me saying goodnight and she mentioned about her having tt dream. of cos i had to ask her what exactlie happend in the dream.

she said "it was a few days ago. in d dream, u look lonely. u were sitting alone in the canteen but your friends were at the table where you guys usually sit but then u weren't sitting with them and i was wondering why. u look pale n sick. but then at the same time there is another u lining up at the kavana stall."

then she asked "have you been running away from yourself? or are u sick of yourself? coz i dont normally dream of a person at 2 places at the same tyme".

i was so shocked i actuallie called her up. the thing tt i was so shocked of was that it was so spot on. she was so freaking right. was talking to her and calming myself down when she said that the only other person she dreamt abt who was in the same situation as me (being in 2 places at once) is amindengdeng. and i laughed.

this is so weird.

i believe in dreams coz it really tell you stuff, esp if u dream abt someone u know or love. i never expected anyone to dream abt me like tt. it's weirder when it's right.

"take care tau nad. u dont think so much lah, try and relax. good night."

people can be so surprising. and it's weird how yuanna reminds me of amindengdeng. they're so sajak. hehe.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:42 PM

Dear nut

you're freaking impossible. it's hard to talk to you, to speak to you, to feel happy with you, to achieve things with you. why my dear alter-ego? i dunno again? you're such a fucking coward.

you run off at the smallest things. love, commitment, insecurities, affection, conflicts, yourself. and you never seem to ask yourself why. no one seemed to ask yourself either. but finallie someone did and you couldnt answer and you back yourself up into the same comfy corner labelled 'safehouse' and shield yourself until everyone forgets coz everyone always forgets. but finalie someone never did forget and you're left stumped, still with the 'dunnos' and still heaving yourself into that corner until you're so comfortable you dont reallie mind. bar the fact that you have a sad life, you never reallie got close to unravelling whatever's left in there and all your time is spent on others, on people and places and work, the dreadfulness of it. now you're left w/ nothing really and it's all your fault.

i remmber the letter you wrote to kat and banu when things were great back in the GR days. you wrote about zam and becoming a couple and how shit cease to appear and shivers popped up whenever you think abt getting together. you were so scared shitless you forgot what your name is; all because of affection and what couples do to each other. somehow i dont think you're normal. maybe if you keep telling yourself that you are somewhat normal, miracles will happen. hah.

there is no purpose to this letter except maybe to let go of all the surpressed anger. maybe it wont matter, me speaking to u but goddammit nut, what is it that you want?

married by 19, happiness, peace of mind? bullshit. you're just wanting w/out actuallie doing something abt it. you're such a horse's ass. you're doing exactlie what you told others not to do-- not having faith in yourself.

you had all the time in the world to listen to everyone's problems. you had all the time in the freaking world to have faith in others, in life. but you forgot entirely about yourself. procastinator. you put it off for so long, it just becomes another product on the shelf. it's doing nothing but collect dusts.

another thing you measly scumbag. love yourself can? humans are imperfect and models get loads of help. you? you're okay lah. maybe you need to get a grip on yourself and not get so negative.

and lose that stoopid 'i dunno' shit too. i bet everyone's agreeing with me.

lots of people love you and would want you to be happy. all you need to do is try and open up to them. practice makes perfect. cliched but true. face your problems like a person should and get rid of any negative energy (i sound like a yoga instructor, heh).

and what's wrong with giving it a try?

such a doofus know you. take care dodohead. till we meet again.

Love nad.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 2:29 AM

eating ice cream at 1.45 in the morning without a proper dinner will result in an excessive amount of farting. trust me.

it's been a while since i blog and i really dunno what to say. so little time yet so mnay things happened. but this ambivalence in me still holds a tight grip on me. im drowning in work and stress and yet i know that i brought this upon myself. it builds up, all these (i shall not elaborate on what these are) but they build up pretty quickly.

i cant seem to string my thoughts together. i need basketball.



.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:52 AM

i cant find the lyrics for the song i put on my blog. it's the lonely road, by whence he came. they're a band from hong kong and they performed at Baybeats 2004.

you can read their CD review here.

i am so in love with this song.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:21 AM

you know how sometimes we crave for things (like food) and want it so bad you'd do anything to have it?

right now im having a craving for touch, the touch of a blade on my wrist.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:59 PM

what happened to the girl who never gave up?

i think she just walked out the door.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:58 PM

Escape Artists Never Die
funeral for a friend.

The red poison of your lips
The red poison of your eyes
Is where I kissed the blood from
Just that corner of your mouth
where I can see the
White of your smile

Up to my neck
When I'm breathing without you
Without you
Up to my eyes
And I'm seeing without you
Without you

We'll start a fire
And burn some bridges
And make it out of here tonight

We need some leverage
We can't seem to open up
The locks are far too tight
And the chains are far too strong
Far too strong

Up to my eyes
When I'm seeing without you,
without you
Up to my heart
When I'm bleeding without you,
without you

We'll start a fire
And burn some bridges
And make it out of here tonight

Please someone help me
I'm dying here in front of you
Please someone help me
I'm dying here in front of you
With a hundred thousand lights
Timing as everything will
With a hundred thousand lights
Timing, timing is everything to me

Please someone help me
I'm dying here in front of you
Please someone help me
I'm dying here in front of you
It's everything, it's everything
Timing is everything,
it's everything

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 12:34 AM

ive never met any two ppl who wanted so much from me without even thinking what i really want or need. i never felt that i've satisfied them enough with whatever i do and i always feel so incompetent. macam mandul aku dibuatnyer.

sometimes i wanna scream at them, to rebel and just forget about their words and what they have to say. but then i always seem to remember just as im about to reach my boiling point, tt they are my parents after all and they love me like i love them. but they dont have to make me feel so imperfect. God, ive never felt worst.

i think im better than most kids (the kids tt went astray). i never run away from home or anything like tt and i never did anything major to upset their normal robotic life (none tt they know abt anyway). still, why do they keep pushing me like this? sometimes i feel as if an ustaz is living in my house, acting n wearing my dad's clothes and having the same shaving cuts as him. every sentence, every word is a preach, is a line tt he learnt from his ustaz n he tells us, over n over again. not that it's a bad thing, it's not. but it's not a good thing either. i miss the fatherly side of him. sometimes i'll look at his tired youthful (my father looks v young) face and wonder what happened.

a change occured and it happened so fast, i couldnt catch up in time. now he wants us to be like him, religious and v particular (word from mom is he wont eat halal foodstalls tt's owned by a chinese [think: banquet]). i respect him and im glad he's pious and all but he cant just force us into this without prior preparation just because he chose it for himself.

i want to tell him all this but i know it'll break his heart. heck, i cant even say 'i love u' to him w/out breaking into tears. it's tt powerful. he keeps talking about death now, more than ever. i can feel myself getting scared but i dont want to take this forgranted. i dont want him to leave, no, NEVER. i just hope he's happy.

truth be told, i dont think i'll ever understand parents. not till im one tt is.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 12:14 AM

had a long conversation with a prophet-named friend of mine last night. engaging as the conversation was, it left us both thinking (okay fine, maybe just me) about our lives.

pressure came up a couple of times and we both hated that. change is another big word and yet we're both quite hesitant on that though it's inevitable. still, it's still quite sweet to think of our other friends who are happily attached. so shweeet.

but then that would leave us, the 'tua-single-bangkes'. when is our happy ending ever gonna come? dont answer tt coz somehow i dont think i would like the answers you ppl r gonna give.

it was great talking to him. made me realise tt i kinda miss talking to faizal.

never thought tt day would come. heh.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:52 PM

got myself a basketball!!

it's black, it's cheap ($9.90), it has a pic of spiderman on it and it's only sold at Toys R Us.

and it's mine. *covers mouth and giggles uncontrollably*

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 5:23 PM

so i want a basketball. what's so freaking funny about that? and the obvious reason of me buying a basketball is of course, to play basketball.

what other reason can there be?let's see. there's a)to display it on my display cabinet? b)to buy 3 and take up juggling? c) to bash unsuspecting hunchbacked nyonyas on their way home from the market so tt i can steal their eggs? d)play basketball. (if you choose anything but d then i guess you either hide [so i wont smack ur empty head] or you break ur own limb [it's either me or u. either way ur limb is still gonna be broken]. heh.

i want to play basketball. i cant wait to get one.

anybody wants to sell their (no dirty thoughts pls) basketball?

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 9:27 AM

erin, banu.

i hope you guys settle things soon. i really miss you guys. i dunno when we'll meet. im getting tired of constantly hoping.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 9:25 AM

dil.

everything will turn out ok so dont stress urself out too much. im right here. holler (i suggest you shout v loudly being the near-deaf person tt i am) if you need me. if youdont need me i'll still be here (being the pest tt i sometimes am). u take care of yourself.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 9:25 AM

Hey, Man
nelly furtado.

Hey, man, don't look so scared.
You know I'm only testing you out.
Hey man, don't look so angry,
you're real close to figuring me out.

We are a part of a circle.
It's like a mobius strip,
and it goes round and round
until it loses a link.
And there's a shadow in the sky
and it looks like rain,
and shit is gonna fly once again.

Hey, man, we look at each other with ample eyes,
so why not some time to discover
what's behind your eyes?
I've got so many questions
that I want to ask you.
I am so tired of mirrors-
pour me a glass of your wine

And there's a shadow in the sky
and it looks like rain,
and shit is gonna fly once again
I've got a bunch of government cheques at my door.
Each morning I try to send them back
but they only send me more.
I look at myself in the mirror;
am I vital today?
Hey, man, I let my conscience
get in the way

And there's a shadow in the sky ,
and it looks like rain,
and shit is gonna fly once again,
and I don't mean to rain on your parade,
but pathos has got me once again...
and I don't want ambivalence no more,
I don't want ambivalence no more,
I don't want ambivalence no more,
no I don't want ambivalence no more

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 10:04 PM

it's been a while since i felt the wind in my hair.

went jogging today with my jack purcells, my mp3 player, my new brown pants and my fav greenridge shirt.
it was very refreshing.

you people dunno how lucky you are to feel the wind blowing thru your hair. and yet you just whine when it messes up your perfectly combed hair. did you ppl look up at the sky today?

i forgot how blue the skies were, how serene everything looked. it felt wrong to just ignore everything.

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 9:44 PM

so many gigs. so little time..


awakening productions.

the world is a fun place. heh.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 9:20 PM

the cycle's starting again.

STOP.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 10:19 AM

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 8:49 AM

Angels or Devils
dishwalla.

This is the last time
That I'm ever gonna come here tonight
This is the last time - I will fall
Into a place that fails us all - inside

I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
But fighting all the demons will take time
It will take time

The angels they burn inside for us
Are we ever
Are we ever gonna learn to fly
The devils they burn inside of us
Are we ever gonna come back down
Come around

I'm always gonna worry about the things
that could make us cold
This is the last time
That I'm ever gonna give in tonight
Are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs
and what is clear - to see

Still I can see the pain in you
And I can see the love in you
And fighting all the demons will take time
It will take time

The angels they burn inside for us
Are we ever
Are we ever gonna learn to fly
The devils they burn inside of us
Are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I'm always gonna worry about the
things that could break us

If I was to give in, give it up, and then
Take a breath make it deep
Cause it might be the last one you get
Be the last one
That could make us cold
You know that they could make us cold

I'm always gonna worry about
the things that could make us cold


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 12:50 PM

my head is still in a gigantic cloud of thoughts. getting deeper now especially after i read other people's blog.

amazing how their experiences pulls you in it too. Mr. Brutal, maybe my word wont mean a thing to you but who cares. im gonna say them anyway. i kinda understand what you mean though im never gonna say it to your face. that will be considered an invasion of your privacy. i'll act as if nothing's happened. and no, i wont give you any advice. it's not in my place to do tt. i'll just say that i like reading ur blog (someone else's misery is another person's happiness? no?) . just hang in there. stay brutal (?). heh.

no you havent lost the "nad-touch". tt's another word to add to our arwah dictionary book. let's take a moment for all the dead books we shared. i cant wait to meet you next week. lets just hope it actually happens. love you too rin.

the "dearies", forget what i said on sunday at pasir ris. dont count on it to happen. i guess tt's how far i'll go. keep on "slaptwisting" each other. haha.

Mr Car crash. i like your thought provoking entries too. maybe i feel tt ure worth mentioning though i dunno u tt well. car crashes are an interesting topic. especially if you're just the witness n standing by observing the horrified reactions of others. so fun.

i'll dig a hole and bury my head in it now. i dont think i want tomorrow to come anymore.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 12:31 AM

i know im supposed to do my work but some things are just cramping my mind right now that i cant reallie think factuallie let alone do my work.

till i get over you by michelle branch is on repeat. i have to stop myself from singing it out loud. i dont even know why that song is stuck in my head. i got over zam (or whatever his name is, said dzool). ive never felt free-er. ive never felt stoopider either (for actually holding on to unreciprocal feelings for 3 years), but that's beside the point.

i dont exactlie know what's the purpose of this entry nor do i know what's my point in saying all this. be patient and maybe both of us (as in you n me) will get it. Patience has always been said to be a virtue.

was chewing on my Ramlee burger just now and a sudden thought came to mind. what if me and ______ (insert whatever name you want cos i myself dunno who) were together? and i did the one thing that i dont normally do. i puked. i vomitted and spitted my burger (oozing with black pepper and chilli sauce) into my packful-of-dishes sink. and as i was wiping my saliva filled mouth, i thought to myself: how fucking peculiar for me to do that. gone were the days that i know what i want and what i had to do. i'm as stubborn as a turkey fighting for it's life on Thanksgiving.

oh and please, dont watch me coz you're going to get disappointed.

i wish i was an ostrich so that i can bury my head under the desert soil and just stand there, face covered, head under an unknowing world and all i can hear are distant footsteps. distant is as close as it's gonna get. that's better than nothing.

i saw him while waiting for dzool today. he sat beside me while i ate my ice cream and i had a great view of his perfectly shaved neck. i couldnt help staring at it like some teenage-raging hormonic girl experiencing her first crush (no, i dont have an obsession with necks). i wondered what he was thinking, seeing how him, the spectacled chiseled jaw hottie sitting there staring into the same empty space as me. we're one of the same i guess. i wish. heh.

im too deep in my thoughts to write everything in one entry. till then, jus enjoy this meaningless blabber.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:11 PM

Pics taken from Djoolie's bday.


clarke quay macdonalds. dzool messing with his cam. psychotic..


my obsession with pictures/posters. me sniffing pasta.


on dzool's insistence, this pic shall be named "Nut & the giant cherry".


dzool in NEL. smiling to himself (told you he's a psycho..).


in NEL. my beady eyes, me n dzool's amatuer konon photographer finger.


my beady eyes n me part II.


the thinking face of a liar.


pasir ris bus interchange. raining worst that cats n dogs.


we're really in love w/ the rain.


faking a smile.


no, this is not a fake smile. sheesh or.


syiok sendiri.


now THAT is a fake smile.


in 403. djoolie n me.


walking in rain+ dzool = dripping gel n drenched dzool.


dinur n g/fren, yani.


keli (converted kung bushman now orang laut) n (going for the wetlook) banu.


at S11 Tampines. scary faz.


me (wet skirt n tired self) faz (still scary) n (the now dry) banu.


keli (still the bushman) shark (n his clownish self) n dzool (bday boy wearing v nice bday shirt).

will post more pics as soon as dzool loads it up (but being the sloth he is, i guess you have to wait a few more days). haha.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:54 AM

The Greatest Fall Of All Time
matchbook romance.

The hands of my clock strikes two
In times when I got the best of you
We made promises we couldn't keep
And every night we couldn't sleep.

I didn't know why,
but didn't ask questions because
it was the first time in my life,
yeah the first time in my life
Where I, did something right.

I set myself up for the
greatest fall of all time.
I set myself up for the
greatest fall of all time.

You pick me apart
While I search for witty things to say
(In my defense)
"You'll never amount to anything anyway"
(Don't press your luck, don't press your luck)
And think that

I'm impressed with your one night stands
and your contagious kiss
I'm trying to get this right
Yeah, cause I'm ridiculous like that

I'll keep this as A constant reminder
Of the nights I spent holding onto her
And rest assured I'm moving on
I miss you less, with each day you're gone
(you're gone)


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 5:30 AM

can i say dunno and get away with it?

im not indenial dont tell me tt i am. sometimes tt word is abused so many times, i feel it being abused. i dont have proof and neither do u. everyone has different views on the same topic. i keep reminding myself that. maybe u're wrong, maybe you're right and im wrong but till then, till pandora's box is open wide enough for us to see, we wont know would we?

then i would stop insisting that im not indenial. i want to talk this out, im want to understand things. im only trying to understand things; something tt im quite slow at apparentlie. when i finally want to open up, no one's there to listen. what black said yesterday comes to mind. "kesian die. Nad berdiri pat tengah2, angkat tangan lagi, tapi takde orang perasan."

dont blame me if i dont tell you how i feel or what i feel because u weren't listening when i did tell you. i dont have a criteria either. and must i have a reason for not liking someone rin? your 'why nad?' questions really got to me.

why must everything be justified? Cause & Effect. because what i caused is causing an effect? and vice versa? that it?

thanx aniwae rin. it was nice to hear a familiar voice talking to me.

until i know the truth (of which i dont really want to but have to cause i wanna noe the truth) i wouldnt breathe a word about this anymore. why not? cause no one would listen n talk this over? heh. typical.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 5:15 AM

Sunday 150804: Djoolie's + Andrea's bday.
(take note: brace urself for a v long entry)

It was a harrowing night preparing and going through nitty gritty details to make sure that the two bday ppl dunno abt the celebrations. It was easy bringing andrea to our planned location (Pasir Ris beach). Black was supposed to bring her there. bringing dzool to pasir ris was my job. and that took precarious planning. haha.

i managed to psycho him into going out with me (which wasnt difficult since he had no plans). we were supposed to go to clarke quay, then meet zareen (coz supposedly she has my digicam [like wth?!]), then go pasir ris beach (to play beach-bowling, tic tac toe sand, playground) then head down to changi beach (to watch the sunset). a big HA-HA to you djoolie. i fooled you. *waves right thumb in front of djoolie's face*

met dzool at 12 (supposed to meet at 10, sheesh) at clarke quay and i had to buy a shawl (coz tt was the xcuse to go to the flea market, of wich i gave tt shawl to zareen.). ate at macdonalds later on and lied my way thru. hahaha. it was like ActDirect class all over again. cant blieve u didnt suspect a thing dzool... nwae, thr was a small exhibit on kampung games so dzool n me played congkak (he beat me by one marble thingy dammit!), 5 stones (i stink at this), hopscotch and watched others play gasing. it was so freaking fun, i feel like getting myself a congkak, haha.

made our way to pasir ris after tt. we took quite a lot of pics although that moley lampost didnt want me to take pics of him. i did anyway, haha. something weird happend though. when me n dzool were at raffles place, and we were quarelling on where to alight (CT Hall or Raffles Place), this american dude who was waiting for the door to open looked at us, and smiled. then after hearing us quarelling he laughed and smiled at me. and that's how he went out the door; looking at me n laughing. Are we that funny? i think it's me. i noe im funny.. hahahaha. (before you scream ur head off at me ppl) im kidding, im kidding. sheesh.

By the time we reached Pasir Ris, it was raining heavily. i had another conversation with 'zareen' but it was actually faz on the other line. managed to get the bus no. and where they were and then we made our way to the place (see dzool, tt's why it's crucial to take 403! haha). While waiting for the stoopid bus, isa smsed him and said something like 'sorry for not meeting u at pasir ris today'. DAMN. thank God dzool didnt pester me abt it.

the bus ride was like a hyper trip for me. was so excited and nervous at the same time (u noe me n directions..). but it was one of the 'funnest' bus rides ever. reached the place and walked in the rain. wanted to walk at the beach but then i didnt know where to go and i had to look at a sign (tt's why i wanted to walk up..haha.). They were at pit A and we were at pit M. was drenched, cold and my bladder was abt to burst. but still, we didnt run (or rush for tt matter) and walked our way to pit A. two crazy idiots holding their slippers/shoes and clutching their tudung/hair and strolling in the rain (which was beyond cats & dogs btw..). oh, n thanx dzool for lending me ur shirt. so kind of u.. haha. but i gues it was too late. my bra n undies were alreadi wet and my ears were filled with water; i couldnt really hear.

laughed and talked all the way. i saw the pantatz first. it wasnt until we rounded the bend did dzool see them. (you should have seen the look on ur face man! so classic..) the lies were revealed and everyone had a good laugh.

played captain's ball as soon as the rain subsided and had a lot of fun jostling and running for the ball (in my skirt and all..). all we had to do next was wait for andrea. didnt know pasir ris was so peaceful. the water was dirty though. and there were fireflies all around. but other than that, the ambience was just nice. everyone broke off into respective couples and they each sought out their own spot. dinur n yani, ady n hazza, keli n banu, faz n shark. i didnt know where izzad went so i sat at the waterbreaker. dzool n wan n i just talked. (wan looked so orang laut in this v short boxers). took more pics (which i will load as soon as dzool loads it up and pass it to me) and talked crap alot. i saw kingfishers hunting for food. it was soo cool.

zareen joined us soon after. and so did andrea (about 20mins later). she was shocked to see us and we sang Happy Bday to her from far (i juz realised how much i love giving people surprises and seeing the looks on their faces.. so fun!). i reallie hope she enjoyed it. dzool and andrea cut their cakes and we sang the usual bdays songs. gave them their presents (a white ringer Tee with black trimmings n a jetplane print for dzool and a purse, necklace, bracelet, anklet, hp keyring [all blue] for Andrea). laughed a lot and took pics a lot and then we changed and went home. Thanx for the extra shirt faz. remind me to give u back k..

zareen andrea n black went off so the rest (me banu keli izzad faz dzool shark dinur yani ady hazza wan) went to S11 at Tampines after tt. it was so weird. the gerls were sitting on one side (cept for izzad who was sitting beside me n no, though he has ugly long hair, he's Not a gerl) and the guys were sitting on the other side.. have i mentioned how weird tt was?

my skirt n undies n bra was still wet so i was shivering all the way. we manage to take a group pic of the remaining ppl (ady hazza dzool wan izzad keli banu faz shark me) beside shark's n keli's motor. then the ppl with transportation went off and me dzool wan izad made our way to tamp mrt. was still shivering. dzool took the bus back n the 3 of us were so tired, we slept all the way.

wan kept saying tt we smelt like the sea. (aku rase itu kau wan, being an orang laut n all..) got sick when i reached home, took panadols, de-briefed with djoolie on the fone n went off to bed with a splitting headache.

all in all, it was quite succesful (except for isa's moronic sms). i reallie cannot believe that kau percaye bulat2 dengan what i said. i didnt know i had tt power. haha.

i hope the 2 of you are happy with the gifts. hope the 2 of u are happy with ur life. hope the 2 of you are happy. period.

here's to more happy memories. *looks up to the sky and kiss the rain*


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:55 AM

Saturday.

went out to meet faz n dil at bukit batok only to see kiasu and kaypoh singaporeans crowding the MRT area. someone got stuck on the mrt tracks apparentlie. anyway, was too stressed out n too hungry to care. Then the 3 of us made our way to Clementi to meet dzool el zool zad kit a-an and their other 2 frens to watch Grrl Fest 2 at NUS.

The gig was great. i really like it. i like the pink Mustaffa centre plastic thingies too. havent taken it out yet. haha. i really like the bands tt played especially Mantra & Better than Run. they were really good. wanted to buy a badge but was in a hurry to get out coz we're meeting kat at town. Dil was going to treat us Swensen's. haha.

me n dil parted with dzool faz el zool to meet kat. got pissed at her along the way and i reallie felt like going home. stop acting as if we have to treat you like a queen okay kat? coz ure not. sheesh.

nwae, swensens was great. my 1st time sitting at swensens and eating the entire meal. and the ice cream was gorgeous (but then all ice creams are gorgeous). thanx a lot dil. so sweet of you. We gave kat the present then. sorry it's late (but better late than never). she is going to look freaking cool wearing what we gave her lor. (biase lah, aku ngan dil kan one of them cool people. haha.) ate till our stomachs were gonna burst and felt like guts were going to spill and then we made our way back home. i felt so pregnant, i waddled like a duck. heh.

amidst all tt eating and walking home clutching my stomach, i still managed to call faz and plan dzool's + andrea's bday.

we're quite skilled at acting, i must say. haha.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:44 AM

Friday 13th

had a normal day at school. went to a talk by a chinese media practitioner from China who cant speak english (of which me faz zareen to the opportunity to listen to our radios/mp3 and forget about everyone else. Of course almost everyone else was either sleeping or stoning).

went to the FMS party for a while. that name should be changed actually. it was a ska party with not many FMS people (exept for the organisers and frens) in sight at the end of it. the bands tt played were quite okay lah. not reallie the kind of music i listen to. after the 2nd band performing, the place was suddenly invaded by ska rude-boys and punks (not tt i have anything against them, but hey! it was supposed to be an FMS party and no offense, but the ppl look so premature [read: secondary sch kids] ). took off after a while and made my way to my aunt's house for a kenduri.

i am officially an aunt to 3 nieces (solfena,4+, anggun, couple of months & sarah, 1+) and a nephew (qayyum, 1+). i carried qayyum all the way through (coz that big-cheeked cutie didnt want to let go of me). and he cried when i left. so shweet. my cousin's going to get married a day after my bday but she's only eighteen (well at least someone's getting married. sheesh). the kenduri was okay, though i was already pretty beat.

laughed quite abit. it's been a while since i see my relatives (on my dad's side) this jovial. it's been a while since ive seen them at all.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:21 AM

i feel the need to write. maybe because just now i sat at Bugis Starbucks with loads of paper but dumb ol' me forgot to bring a single pen. stoopid, stoopid.

life is torturing. i dunno how else to describe it. schoolwork is certainly very testing and people... people im chasing are so challenging.

i think im running out of places to turn and corners to hide. im no longer found.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:05 AM

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:02 AM

im very scared and my bladder is right at the edge of my vagina. it's almost dropping out.

none of you would probably know what im saying but i guess it's ok. i should have just kept my mouth shut and admitted to it when i had a chance.

i can feel my body going numb and my heart at my throat thumping its loudest thump whenever i think about this. sorry is such a meaningless word. i didnt know how much power guilt had till today. it gets shitty when people (just people, no one worthy) go MIA on you. how am i going to complete what i've started now? fuck

my day has never been this ironic. and im such an unlucky bitch.

i see people in my mind nodding their heads. They're not making things any better.



.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 12:54 PM

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:05 AM

it was so weird. had a dream about him yesterday, something about him being pissed that i dont contact him anymore. i dreamt he was asking banu about me thru sms.

im finding it to be really funny. because i finally got over him and he wasnt in my thoughts at all. heh.

life is such a funny thing.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 12:12 PM

[Your Thoughts On Love And The Like]
If you had to sum up love in one word or short phrase, what would it be?:	hmmm.. tt's impossible lah but one phrase i think of is: to be true.
Is true love an emotion that fades?:	if it realy is true love then it wouldnt fade what. okay.. maybe a bit lah.
Does it transcend time, life, and death?:	death no. nothing beats death.
Is sex really an expression of love or is it pure raw desire?:	i dont understand how it can be an expression of love so i'd say it could be both. depends lah.
Why do you think we want to be in love?:	who's we? hah. i dunno. to be belonged. to feel complete. to be happy.
What about the people who go through life alone?:	hmmm.. i dont think that they want to be alone. i think they're liars.
Is giving everything up for your "love" an act of desperation or love?:	Love.
What would you say love is?:	i cannot define something so huge like tt. it's so subjective. i guess love is infinite.
Is there a certain time before you can truely call it love?:	yes there is.
What is the difference between loving one as a friend or something more?:	loving one as a fren + something more = __________. rite now i reallie dunno what the blank is.
Is it okay to date your best friend?:	in my opinion, no. though i dont think tt my answer's going to surprise anyone. heh.
Do you think you've ever been in "love"?:	yes i have.
How do you know it's love?:	when a huge part of you is missing when he leaves.
So, do you really think there is such a thing as love? Or is it a fantasy?:	of course there's such a thing as love you annoying-shitty-dodohead. sheesh.

[Your Thoughts On Love] brought to you by BZOINK!
EmotionDump - 100% Anonymous Emotions and Confessions


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 10:18 AM

Stay With Me
finch.

once again your eyes
make it hard to say goodbye
so i'll just keep driving
where do you wanna go?
it doesn't really matter
as long as you are here
with me
with me
with me

whoa, there's something in the air tonight
something that makes me feel alive
and i say whoa,
what were the words that you said to me
that made me feel so special now

once again your eyes make it hard
to ask you why
so i sit here knuckles tight
hands against the wheel
your head against the glass
and you mean so much
to me
to me
to me

whoa, there's something in the air tonight
something that makes me feel alive
and i say

whoa, what were the words that you said
to me that made me feel so special now
whoa (stay with me)
whoa (stay with me)
whoa (stay with me)
whoa (stay)stay with me

cigarettes and open air,
hand in hand
i said stay with me
cuz every star that i see is brighter than the last
so stay with me


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 6:35 PM

two words i never want to hear: You're Fired.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 11:12 AM

Garden.
maryam abdullah

Say a prayer for me, little one.

What did He whisper about me?

Didn't He see me shelter you?

Didn't He hear me praise Him?

For life, for love, for truth
For the world that needed change

Of all His flowers,
does He see the bud among the blossoms?

-taken from the book For The Love Of God [thanx again amelia]


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 8:12 PM

finally. a class that i really really love; i think im gonna cry out of sadness when it ends.

Acting & Directing is just gorgeous. i would recommend it to anyone and everyone, especially if you're in your final year in MCM. for the rest of you, go enrol in some outside class (but maybe it wont be the same).

it's such a release to be able to be in someone else's shoes. to pretend and imagine that you dont exist but you're replacing some fictional character and giving birth to someone all together is very exhilarating. and the exercises we do in class are just so creative, it makes you think to the point of feeling a sense of achievement after each one is done. such emotions are a rarity in school nowadays (with achievement being judged, typed and written on a mundane report card but not felt in your heart). i really feel free in ActDirect class. the fact that i can run around barefooted, eating anything i want (as long as i throw it away tt is) contributes to it more. Heh.

plus the fact that two of your closest gal pals are sitting beside you increases the fun factor. I cant wait for next thursday.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 7:39 PM

the sooner i get out of this rut, the better.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 7:29 PM

Feel Free.
nut

dance like the fireflies are carrying you
run with the wind caressing your broken feet
wait for the moment; though it'll never come
and lie; twist your words everytime you speak

fly, carry the world, carry the moon, carry yourself
like the girl who never spoke never loved never died
the emotional trip runs the show; and the lights are set
kick free and jump as if gravity never got discovered

and take a bow for the stage was done for you.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 7:41 PM

i feel like i'm missing someone. i feel like i should be somewhere with someone that i miss. i feel that im needed somewhere but im not sure.

i really am not sure. things are getting so confusing.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 7:36 PM

There is no life after God because God is life.

that's always on my mind when i see the book Life After God. oh well.




.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 7:32 PM

dear new friend,

i realised that we can be good friends, that we can somehow get along. but we rarely do. i dunno how to explain it. it's as if there's just some friggin wall ahead of us and neither you nor me is really willing to tear that down. i dont have anything against you. really.

but do you? tell me so we can lay this down to rest, dig a grave, say a few prayers and forget it like yesterday's child.

dont that sound like a good plan? im looking forward to having plenty of fruitful conversations with you. Like friends do. because if it's just in the name, then we lived in a lie didnt we?

hope to see you soon.

Nad.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 7:25 PM

ape nie rin?

i dont want to get in the middle of this (i know that i should just stop talking now but you know me and my opinionated big mouth). but i really dont understand.

right now all i can think of is this: you remind me of a certain someone we both know.

we really need to sit down and talk this over. pronto.




.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 4:16 PM

i guess im probablie going to Awallah Dondang alone then. Excellent bahasa-ibunda-aristocrats frolicking around together, while i, the campus reporter and her trusty digicam sits in the audience alone, just holding that small yet heavy thing (coz apparently i can't take pictures).

and of all places, it has to be at Singapore Polytechnic; a place where i dont even know anyone. suddenly the person standing in front of me in the mirror feels so welcoming.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 3:54 PM

Did you know that when you envy someone, it's because you really like that person?

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in their heart, are real weaklings and most succeptible?

Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need someone to protect them?

Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are : I love you, Sorry and Help me? The people who say these actually need them or really feel them, and are the ones you really need to treasure because they have said these words.

Did you know that people who occupy themselves by keeping others company or helping others are the ones that actually need company and help? 

Did you know that those who dress in black are those who want to be unnoticed and need your help and understanding?

Did you know that when you help someone, the help is returned in two folds?

Did you know that those who need more of you are those that don't mention it to you?

Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writing than saying it to someone to the face? But did you know that it has more value when you say it to the face?

Did you know that the most difficult thing for you to say or do is much more valuable than anything you can buy with money?

Did you know that you can make your dreams come true; like falling in love, becoming rich, staying healthy, if you ask for it with faith (and be patient enough to wait for it)? If you really knew what you would achieve, you'd be surprised by what you could do.

[got this from e-mail]
 


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 10:03 AM

i guess when hunger is in a wrestling match with weariness, the calling of the stomach always walk off with the gold belt. did i tell you that i cannot seem to stop eating?


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 7:10 PM

Met them while i was on the way to convention centre. it was 8.20am. my lecture starts at 8. was rushing to get past the overhead bridge when i recognised a familiar couple going up the same flight of stairs. i froze for a moment, came up with a few conversation lines,  quickly scrapped my guts off the floor and stepped up behind them. i wanted to say something like HI, hey, going class? sorry, gotta go im quite late. i wanted to salam her. we're in the same school with the same religion after all. plus, im not the type of person who likes to drag conflicts longer than needed.

anyhows, i was just about to go up one step when he turned and saw me. working on impulse (and panicky nerves), i smiled (a broad sunny one) and waved. he just looked down (literally coz they were two steps up), stared at me for a nanosecond and just turned around again. as if i was just some see-through mutated transparency gerl who loves to wave and smile but will never get noticed because ppl can see thru her and somehow, the things behind her are much more interesting. right after he turned, all conversation lines and nice sunny thoughts totally disappeared. i switched on my mp3 louder and walked hurriedly away. i felt eyes looking at me from behind. in moments like these, ignorance IS bliss.

felt tears clambering to my eyes but i was much more worried about being marked absent i guess (in the end, i walked quickly enuff and i was just marked late).

like i said, i hate carrying bags of grudges around. i hate having fights (if u would consider this a fight though i v much doubt it). As long as they're happy i guess i dont really mind what happens to the frenship. heh.



.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 1:30 PM

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes
Mistakes like friends do

- until the day i die, story of the year


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 12:52 PM

I have quite a large face...no? i have huge cheeks and normal chin covered with skin. all in all, the surface area of my face is big. so it would be no wonder if a zit starts forming around my face. but nO! i dont have pimples on my cheeks, nor on my nose, nor on my chin, nor on my forehead. but.  there's a pimple inside my nose.

i found out about it yesterday. don't bother looking up my nose if you see me. it's gone now. sheesh.

i spent one hour trying to burst it (because it was at THAT pinch-me-and-let-pus-out stage already). the right side of my nose turned red. i got furious because it's quite impossible to fit two fingers into a small nostril and pressing the volcano-like bump from inside (try it if you dont believe me). it took quite a lot of skill and erm... flexibility. was prancing and moving around in fornt of the mirror so much that my mom actually gave me a pin to burst it (dont worry, i threw the pin away right after that though i didnt really use it. grotesque). due to so much exertion on my fingers, hand and nose, i got reallie exhausted. i fell on the bed and went straight to sleep. my final thought before i reach slumberland was that the nose will grow into a huge mound when i wake up.

But. the pimple was gone in the morning.so today, i came to school with a pimpleless nostril. why cant i just be normal and have pimples on normal places? sheesh.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 12:18 PM

everytime i hear the song (you're so last summer, taking back sunday) im reminded of zad and dzool doing their stoopid cheerleaderish-rockmetal-singer rendition of this song.

just so the 2 of you know, just because it's hilarious and it really made me laugh,doesnt mean that the two of u dont sound like two squealing-deepvoiced pigs being hauled to the slaughterhouse, because you do. hahaha. but it really is so funny.

and now there's two of you. there's two of dzool (coz zad is somewhat like dzool) and two of zad (coz dzool is like zad).

God saves us all.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 2:51 PM

the skies are getting too dark. no wait... it looks like dusk outside. clouds are going reddish grey, wind is blowing all the dead leaves around, people are clutching at their head in hopes of not messing up their gatsby-waxed-set tufts of stringy hay more commonly known as hair.

it's scary out; the way the wind whistles and the sky looking as if it died. spasms of silence follows each chaotic gust. it's as if something is about to happen.  i used to hate this kind of quiet-stormy weather as a child. just little kid's chills. now i cant wait for the rain to pour.

was in the newsroom just now. must say, the room kinda grows on you. i like that room. and the madness that fills it. sat at the couch beside jon and the rest of the reporters (diyana zhang jacquin prasad) were sitting around. our editors were at the tables, their faces covered by their comps. the room had a sorta clamped up smell, though not bad and barely noticable. we chattered amidst all that proofreading.

us, the reporters sitting on the couches talked and discussed away. and when all the articles had been proofread, someone started talking about wicca (i dont agree with jacquin's boyfren when she said that his theory about satan is that satan is God's alter-ego. nonsense). and homosexuality (why do MCMers like to dwelve in this topic so much so that they include homos in their short film/script/talkshow?). and evolution of man (of which i dont believe Darwin when he said Man evolved from apes). and what separates MCMers from the rest (because we like stoopid yet intellectual talks and we find it fun). and jc students (and why we think they're very smart yet a bit ditzy).

i didnt really contribute much. everyone was talking at the same time to the point that u could only hear yourself speak and not anyone else. it was interesting when each of us came up with different theories about people and their behaviors. the editors were still at their comps.

i kinda like that- sitting down at a busy place and just discoursing about stuff. hearing what people have to say can be very interesting. so what if our newsroom didnt look like lois lane's and clark kent's? i still like it.

i dont even know why im writing about this. trying to tell myself that maybe i really belong here? heh. i really dunno why i wrote this. just wanted to share i guess.

oh well.




.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 2:25 PM

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 9:01 AM

banu,

"It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want"

-she will be loved, maroon 5

love,
nad



.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 6:50 PM

have u ever felt this sickening urge to just drop dead and die right after you wake up in the morning? i felt that on saturday.

woke up to the sounds of my mom and dad yapping away at me. i really couldnt take it. was on the verge of snapping but i just grabbed my towel and stormed into the toilet. just sat there, with my clothes still on, stoning. sat there for about 1 and a half hours. i kept tying and untying my hair.

anyhows, they left soon after and i dressed and went out. was torn between meeting dzool or izzad. i though that i should surround myself with ppl i know and surround myself with lotsa lotsa ppl. but i guess i was wrong.

i just wanted to get away from them when i reached there. suddenly i hate them, dont ask me why. so many stoopid looks and stooopid stares they give. and the people around me didnt help either. i felt like they were judging me or something. i was trying so hard to not keep from crying. (thanx for the hugs dil)

after watching the gig at paragon, i really didnt feel like watching ppl playing music anymore. so i called izzad and decided to meet him. wan n him wanted to go bowling. so yah, i felt that maybe i needed to throw balls at tall white thingies to make myself feel better. cant say that it didnt work..

and dzool, im not a vagina-face/lupe kawan (or whatchamacallit) type of person. got a little pissed because of that. met isa and his bandmates. zad went wif dzool, isa zul kit a-an followed me to marina square and i was trying so hard not to burst into tears.

after much thought, isa decided not to bowl but i did. had a great time. managed to de-stress myself (without eating!).  if only for a while lah.

went to meet them again to go home after that. i took a longer time than usual. ended up sitting at the toilet at marina square just thinking about stuff. till i realised they were waiting for me. sorry guys.

was quite high on the way back with kit and dil. kept giggling and telling stoopid stories. maybe coz i cant wait to go home. no actually that's not it. i cant wait to take the walk home. there's no one around and somehow i like that peacefulness. just me and the moon.

i cant sleep at night eitther so i usually spend my nights staring at the moon and (sometimes) stars.

"insomnia is a symptom of depression tau nad. first you get very sad, then you become and insomniac. you better take care."

yes jon, u tc too. and i think u're one of the best writers around. and u're v intellectual too u dodohead.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 4:38 PM

Happy belated bday kat, though i dont think u'll be reading this.

kesian boo kiter, bday kene keje.

love u gerl. and i miss u too. dont think i need to say anything more that tt. hope we'll meet up soon. take care and i hope u enjoyed ur bday.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 4:33 PM

you.

i think i like you. maybe not. maybe im really into you. but maybe i could just be wrong, knowing me and always not knowing things about myself.

so yeah, i really like you.

whoever you are.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 4:15 PM

[to: banu erin kat dil zareen faz atrium-ppl MCMers & everybody else who made me happy]

A Cynic's Promise
nut.

blow your nose on my sleeve
clamp my mouth shut, i won't leave
maybe if you slap me kick me
maybe we're not really meant to be.

dry your tears on this tattered tissue
i wont really mind the spots dropping on my shoe
i'll be here, your hand in mine
trying to convince you everything is fine

maybe the wind will bring us nowhere
the rain will wet us with showers.
we'll still be standing tall
standing together, maybe we'll never fall.

blow your nose on my sleeve,
i promise, maybe, maybe i wont leave.



.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 6:27 PM

Do you believe in <3>	no, maybe not love. i believe in "a strong-liking-of-each-other" at the first sight.
Do you judge a person based on looks? (qirl or quy):	nope. i dont like to be judgemental coz i dowan ppl to do tt to me.
Do you believe in sex b4 marriaqe?:	nope. but im open to ppl doing it. maybe juz not to me.
Would you ever consider datinq someone out of ur race?:	yes.
Do you have fake friends? Are you fake?:	i dunno. frens: are u fake? if u are well fuck u. and no im not fake. i dont choose to be.
Are you jealous of your best friend and hide it?:	haha. no. i never was and never will be jealous of my best frens. we're all diff. lah..
Do you live ur life on the edqe? As if it were ur last day?:	yes. because i really feel as if it IS my last. i think i'll die early.
Would you tell ur best friend that his/her siqnificant other is cheatinq?:	yes of coz. i dowan my best fren to be loving a fake.
Do you obsess over ur weiqht?:	yes. no. wait, not really. not over my weight.
Fat/Sweet? (qirl/quy) or Sexy/Jerk? (qirl/quy):	huh? i really don mind. but of coz, wich gerl wud want a jerk? sheesh.
How many times have you been neqatively judqed by sum1 who doesnt know you?:	hmm.. lemme see..  thruout my years wearing tudung... about 2564++. hah.
What makes you happy?:	walking/singing/dancing in the rain. my family. seeing my parents after a tiring day in sch. my frens. being loved and me loving back. when my frens + family r happy.
Have you ever been in a relationship just for lust and faked the love?:	nope.
Does dressing sexy really make a qirl a skank?:	there is a diff in wearing sexily and wearing sluttily. if a gerl dont overdo her dressing then she wouldnt look like a skank...
Deep down ..have u ever looked in the mirror n REALLY complimented urself?:	erm no. dont think there's anything to compliment.. nothing to be proud abt.

aBOut yOu __s t r i p p e d x3 brought to you by BZOINK!



.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 3:35 PM

i really feel old. my knees are going crazy on me, my back hurts, my legs cant stand too long, i tend to nag at my sister and my frens, george clooney suddenly attracts me and i talk about asprin and share the benefits of green tea over dinner with my mother.

i cant sit down without cracking a few bones, i whine when i have to carry a textbk bcos it's too freaking heavy, i forget everything that happened yesterday and cant even remmber what i did juz now.

looking at my classmates and groupmates talking about work and their problems, i realise that we're all quite young but we look like we're having our mid-life crisis. we're teens going on 35.  we'll be dead by the time we reach 45. Over exhaustion or accidental death most probably.

im so tired my eyes can barely open.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 3:20 PM

im fat! im getting fatter; my thighs are about the size of 2 bowling balls, my cheeks look like stuffed chickens and my stomach looks bigger than a pregnant woman's.

Im fat and i cant stop eating. i cant stop thinking about eating, abt wanting to eat, and chewing and tasting the soft succulent tender chicken chop at SIM. and the porridge at canteen one. and cheesy chix sausage. and of coz, bull's eye egg.

See?SEE? i think i live to eat instead of the other way around. and that stoopid motto is taking its toll on me.

i need help. plus lots and lots of slimming pills.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 3:06 PM

How Love-Smart are you? Oprah's Prodigy

Oprah would be proud.  You know what love is and what you need to do to get it.  You show great sensitivity and seem to be able to read those subtle love cues.  Ever thought of becoming a talk show host?

How Love-Smart are you? Find out at DatingTips.ws



.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 2:54 PM

They were just 11 then, and they met when they were caught distorting an old man's corpse at a mutual neighbour's funeral and became best friends ever since.
 
Everyone thought they were two very happy people who were always laughing; growing up together, going to college together, sharing a room together; they even shared the same jail cell.
 
It came as a surprise (to everyone) when both of them committed suicide, knocked down by a trailer in the middle of rush hour traffic in PIE.
 
My 3 line pitch. i really like it. maybe coz it's morbid and there are two elements that i like: best friends & death.



.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 7:20 PM

You're So Last Summer.
taking back sunday.

She said "don't,
don't let it go to your head
Boys like you are a dime a dozen,
Boys like you are a dime a dozen"

She said "you're a touch overrated,
you're a lush and I hate it but
these grass stains on my knees
they won't mean a thing"

And all I (all I)
Need to know (need to know)
Is that I'm somethin you'll be missin
(is that I'm somethin that you're missin)
(maybe I should hate for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that far
(maybe I should hate for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that...

I'd never lie to you
Unless I had to
I'll do what I got to
Unless I had to I'll do what I go to,
the truth is you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I'd apologize for bleedin on your shirt

And all I (all I)
Need to know (need to know)
Is that I'm somethin you'll be missin
(is that I'm somethin that you're missin)
(maybe I should hate for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that far
(maybe I should hate for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that...

Cause I'm a wishful thinker
with the worst intentions
This'll be last chance you get to drop my name
Cause I'm a wishful thinker
with the worst intentions
This'll be last chance you get to drop my name

If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 3:58 PM

i finally changed my template. had an emotional moment with my old template just now. cannot believe im letting her go after 1 and a half yrs together. call me emotional but well, its time to move on i guess. haha. anyway welcome...

and no, juz bcos it's called fetish does not mean that this blog is entirely about sex and fantasies. sheesh. u ppl are sickos. kidding, kidding.

and well, even though i have a new template, im still not gonna have a tagboard. haha. if u wanna say something, there are other means of doing so but if u dont know how to reach me, then i suggest u keep it to urself.

i feel soooooo rejuvenated.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 3:50 PM

here are some pics taken during one of our impromptu dinners. this time dzool followed. i look like a freaking ghost though. we were so excited, we forgot to take a pic of the 3 of us (as in me kat dil). sheesh.


dil and me. i like this pic. we look so chummy and spontaneous. haha.


me and kat. I like this pic too. dil complaint tt my legs can never be proper. i guess not..haha.


my boos, kat & dil. dont ask me why dil's hand is where it is.. i dunno.


kat & dzool looking like 2 cheeky kids eating mash potato in secret. hahaha.


dil & dzool.dzool, honestly, u look like a pole. and dil, ur hair is soooooo neat in this pic.

we had loads of fun that day. That was also the day i met one of my ex, izzudin, now an official tapered-pants wearing mat. haha.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 12:13 PM

i am trying to find for a blog template that i'll like...u know,like my current one.apparently the same current one (dirty laundry) has been sold and i can no longer use it.so if the person who owns this template reads this- forgive me. i have no time to load a new template. wait till i have a comp can?
 
i found a template based on the song vindicated by dashboard confessionals. but too bad. knowing me and my fickle mind, i'll prolly be sick of it by next week so i decided Not to change my template just yet.
 
susah lah takde time..


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 4:13 PM

Got this off Kit's sketch book: 
 
"I never believed the devil was real
But god couldn't make someone filthy as you"
                  -slutgarden, marilyn manson.



.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 10:27 AM

::15 Random Favorites::
1:	Current song: Anthem of our dying day (story of the year)
2:	Shirt: Mango. hahahahaha!
3:	Footwear: Barcode shoes & topshop slippers.
4:	Bag: Adidas Vintage Bag in Black (though i dont own it, sheesh).
5:	Pants: POA
6:	Cartoon: Spongebob Squarepants!!
7:	Place: Yishun Jetty, NY
8:	Words: Bloooody STooooopid
9:	Swear word: fuck (clue: rhymes with duck, luck, puck) heh.
10:	Author: Milan Kundera & Stephen King
11:	underwear colour: cherry briefs
12:	Weather: Rain, Rain Rainy rainy.
13:	Thing to do when bored: Blog, eat.
14:	sleeping position: curled up, with pillows all around.
15:	sport: Rugby, basketball.
::14 Favorite Foods::
1:	octopus balls...yum!
2:	andersen's waffle ice cream.
3:	SUSHI!
4:	Kavana Chicken rice with teriyaki sauce, telur pecah & cheesy sausage.
5:	Chicken chop.
6:	Apple strudel.
7:	Mrs Fields cookies.
8:	sweet secrets cake.
9:	bbq Eel.
10:	my grandma's chilli crab....!
11:	My mom's Rocky road.
12:	Starbucks' blueberry cake!
13:	Cadbury Hazelnut.
14:	.......Prawn Mee Pok at Bugis Liang Seah.
::13 Most Watched Shows::
1:	hmm this is tough (considering tt i dun watch tv a lot). News on 5.
2:	Drew Carey Show
3:	Friends
4:	Whose Line is It anyway
5:	MTV Non stop hits.
6:	OC
7:	Oprah
8:	Grounded For life
9:	Foreign Films on ARts Central
10:	MTV After Skool Rocks
11:	Mtv AMpuh on SUria
12:	Discovery Channel
13:	CSI
::12 Good Bands in your Opinion::
1:	Surreal
2:	The Observatory
3:	Force Vomit
4:	OAG
5:	Cokelat
6:	Sheila On 7
7:	Finch
8:	Coldplay
9:	Keane
10:	Switchfoot
11:	Story of the year
12:	U blues.
::11 Memories::
1:	First day in ngee an meeting 1T03 and having a blast. everyone's so psychotic..
2:	Celebrating my bdae wif the pantats last year. such happy memories...
3:	Meeting my boos and going to sentosa recentlie..
4:	Getting my first pay at 10. and then later spending it on my first self-paid book.
5:	Farewell Assembly for all 4express students in GR and standing there hugging everyone and laughing.
6:	Getting O lvls results. So riveting..
7:	Crying non-stop for 9 hours after breaking up with hazam.
8:	Talking on the phone with erin from dusk till dawn on her first day at JI during the 3 mths course.
9:	My entire family having dinner in celebration of my grandma's bday.
10:	Slacking off and breaking the law with my pri. sch frens..hahaha.
11:	lying down at the jetty with some of the pantats... that was great.
::10 Close Friends::
1:	I have too many!! lets see. erin.
2:	banu.
3:	kat.
4:	dil.
5:	faz.
6:	zareen.
7:	isa.
8:	izzad.
9:	keli.
10:	hmm.... amindengdeng.
::09 Things you're looking forward to::
1:	friday, the last day of the week.
2:	my bday..
3:	being happy.
4:	meeting new people (because it's always so unpredictable).
5:	the toilet to pee.
6:	putting on powder.
7:	getting money from my parents.
8:	my life in mass comm to end.
9:	rain to come.
::08 Things you wear daily::
1:	the bare essentials- bra and lady briefs.
2:	tudung of course.
3:	Big plastic rings.
4:	long pants and long sleeves blouses.
5:	A bag.
6:	beads, lots & lots & lots of them.
7:	my frenship bracelets & bands.
8:	anklets.
::07 Things That Annoy You::
1:	irritating ppl who msg me when im about to sleep (bcos after they msg me, i cant sleep!)
2:	BO.
3:	rude-loud-and-sloppy manjens.
4:	people who follow what i wear.
5:	people who blame me for doing something i didnt.
6:	being late when im in fact early.
7:	myself. yes, i annoy myself.
::06 Things You Touch Everyday::
1:	erm.... this qsn is SO weird. i touch myself of course-u noe, when i soap myself. sheesh.
2:	i hug my frens.
3:	i kiss my mom.
4:	i touch the door when im about to leave the room.
5:	i touch my cheek constantly to make sure it's not dirty.
6:	i touch up my makeup. haha!
::05 Movies You Could Watch Over and Over::
1:	My Girl (the old one w/ young Mc Caulay Culkin)
2:	Love me if you dare
3:	Love Actually
4:	The Hours
5:	Nightmare before christmas
::04 Of Your Favorite Childhood Toys::
1:	Ninja Turtles!!i love rafael. im quite a tomboylah..
2:	Batman & RObin and the batmobil. wooohooo.
3:	Polly Pocket (though i keep losing the freaking dog).
4:	The handheld game--the cowboy one, WIld wild something something.. i forgot the name..
::03 People You Have Kissed::
1:	hahahaha. my mom. everyday on the cheek b4 i leave the house.
2:	My dad, sometimes every nite b4 i go to bed.
3:	and some guy lah.... let's not talk abt that.
::02 Of Your Favorite Songs::
1:	rite now it's: you & i both, jason mraz
2:	and: segitiga, cokelat.
::01 Person You Could Spend the Rest of Your Life With::
1:	the same person i would like to marry. i dunno who. havent met him yet.

Countdown brought to you by BZOINK!


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 4:43 PM

for WomenPersonality:
 
Your enchanting magnetism people to you. Another asset you possess is the generosity for others. The weakness about you is that you are careless and clumsy at times. You've got to be careful if you would like others to trust you with important matters.
 
Love Tendency:
You are the dominant one in the relationship who has the upper hand most of the times. But that doesn't stop the men to be attracted to you. You will have many boyfriends, where one of them will be a very special person. Marriage is in your destiny and it will be a happy one (faz, take note haha!).
 
Life:
You endured many family hardships in your lifetime but you still grew up to be a mature and responsible adult. You are respected in your workplace because you put your entire effort into any project. Since you were young, there were only a few friends you kept in touch because you were more mature than your peers (HAHAHA!what.a.joke). This will occur as an adult, too. Try to stay away from matters that don't concern you because this is one reason why people will not be too fond of you (fuckingtypical reporter).


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 4:40 PM

had a talk with isa yesterday, feeling down and all. he cheered me up abit though. dunno if i cheered him up. if only cheering up was all we need.  if only it was THAT simple- just feeling sad, as if chocs and sweets can brighten up ur day.  yeah, right.
 
Am going to meet Kat & Syiqa for the 1st time in a long time today. gonna hve dinner with them. this said despite the fact that i have ad creatives to finish, a MAsina paper by wed and a lifeguard story to chase. heh. Im a self-proclaimed procrastinator.
 
Im writing unrelated thoughts down because a) i have too many things to think about, b) im currently feeling fucking shitty, c) i like writing unrelated crap down and d) im effing lazy to organize my tawts but since when am i such an organized person rite?
 
im swearing a lot these few days so if you happen to approach me, you'd better brace urself. especially if you intend to be annoying (which most of you are btw).


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 4:15 PM

Anthem Of Our Dying Day.
story of the year
 
The stars will cry
The blackest tears tonight
And this is the moment that I live for
I can smell the ocean air
And here I am
Pouring my heart onto these rooftops
Just a ghost to the world
That's exactly, Exactly what I need
 
From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day
 
For a second I wish the tide
Would swallow every inch of this city
As you gasp for air tonight
I'd scream this song right in your face
If you were hear I swear
I wont miss a beat
Cause I never Never have before
 
From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day
Of our dying day
Of our dying day
Of our dying!


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 4:10 PM

inferiority complex (n)

A persistent sense of inadequacy or the tendency to diminish oneself, sometimes resulting in excessively aggress behavior through overcompensation.
 
Amazing huh dil? how in that one day u feel how i felt throughout so many years. BUt like i said, i can either like people or hate them and i choose to like them. Though sometimes i feel so different and so ... small. Saturday was great, seeing how there are soo many cool people around. I loved the fact that we were part of that. it was great seeing amelia too, so excited and in her usual enthusiastic mood.
 
People can make you so depressing. Your atmosphere. your restless mind. Seeing so many cool, so-sure-of-themselves people can be so depressing. but i am what i am and i know im one of them too.
 
this is the fourteen hundredth time im telling myself this.
 
[p.s: you dont have to say thank u dil. i love u and i want u to be happy.]


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 3:45 PM

what's with people and slippers?
 
the warden caught me because i was wearing slippers, my boss always complain abt my slippers, and now to add to the list are my parents who practically forced me to wear shoes in front of them before i left the house. and then u noe what's sickening? they checked my bag to make sure that i dont smuggle any of the slippers out. what the flying fuck?
 
i just bought blue slippers and my topshop slippers arent even faded.
 
i effing hate it when people tell me what to wear. And what the bloody hell is wrong with slippers???
 
stoopid.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 3:32 PM

Went to Baybeats on Saturday. i wanted to watch The Observatory. and Gordon's band, Surreal. They're good.
 
On saturday, i went to the wedding exhibition at Expo. you wouldn't believe how glam the traditional decor are nowadays. and everyone there tawt that my dad and i are a couple (making my mom a grandma and my sis my aunt. sheesh.). everyone kept giving me brochures and telling me to sit down and try their new package. i felt so pressurized.  and within that 2 hours of me being there, i broke 2 brooches. 2! in less than a freaking hour. Mampos. felt crappy then.
 
went on my way to city hall, to meet dil. i ended up waiting for isa molly and zul. met up with isa's bandmates izad, kit and A-an. then met Molly. haha. for the 1st time. she's kinda quiet. then isa said she was feeling 'down' too. tt makes all 3 of us.
 
niwae had so much fun. was with so many ppl. and i love The Observatory. i love their music. and Gordon's band is just gorgeous. seriously. they play really good music.
 
ate at Marina Square (or rather outside marina square) after tt. had a great time laughing and making fun of each other. somehow it juz destresses me. still felt crappy and outta sorts though.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 2:58 PM

Maybe.
collective soul
 
The sky now divides
To bring you back into the fold
 Welcome home
Still my need to recognize
Any comfort you may show
Only grows
 
Guess I'll learn to accommodate
While my heart just sits and waits
Maybe God you found
Maybe is all that you can offer now
 
Where am I to take refuge
When the storms of pain release
Shelter me
This blessedness of life
Sometimes brings me to my knees
I call on thee I have not the words to write
A Farewell to you tonight
 
Maybe God you found
Maybe is all that you can offer now
I know hearts are weeping
While your voice is now singing
On high, angel on high


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 10:50 AM

"i miss sitting at the atrium doing nothing. Doing nothing was soooo fun. We can't seem to do that anymore because we do not have nothing to do anymore."
 
so true amelia.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 10:43 AM

had a fun day by myself at IMM yesterday.
 
i just felt like going shopping and so i did. Bought a lady-like black polka dot bag for 5 bux and i bought 5 things from the $2 shop: blue slippers, an anklet, a bracelet, a small red bag and a sketch book. Treated myself to andersen's ice cream too. wow. major splurge. but all  is good. it tasted good anyway.
 
walked all the way to JE mrt then. had to pass this long pathway that had no lights. so freaking scary. but guess what? this 30-somethingish couple accompanied me all the way to the mrt. i gues they were worried, seeing how many foreign workers are there. anyway, all is well and i thanked them and left.
 
i didnt want to see them having sex right in front of me seeing how they were 'devouring' each other up along the way. Sheesh.
 
Im wearing matching things today, for the 1st time ever. Blue slippers, blue jeans, lavender top and a blue transparent bag. haha. so unlike me rite?


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 10:34 AM

my dad msged me this while i was leaving school:
 
"Di mana? Bagaimana SOLAT kamu? Bila? Tunggu abah meninggal ke? jangan menyesal nanti."
 
Like what the hell.
 
my dad is so psychotic, it's scary.


.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 10:26 AM

Collective soul lyrics

.: wished i was with lucy in the sky at: 10:22 AM